Christmas

I love this time of year. I can't wait for Christmas - spending time with the family, being happy when people enjoy the gifts I got them, etc. One of my favorite things in the world is spending time with my family, and I don't get to do it very often anymore. I'm so ready to be done with work for a while, however, i am 10 pages into a story, that will probably only be for myself, but has been fun to write all the same. The weather is supposed to get dicey here in the big O, but probably not until Wednesday night. I know I'll be crashing at the parent's house on Thursday, but I think I'll stay home on Wednesday. Actually I think that's when everyone is getting together to see Myra and Jason. As much as I love friends and seeing people, sometimes I just want to be left alone. I wonder if that's unhealthy. Oh well.

Writing

I've been writing more lately. It's been wonderful for me. I think that is my passion - writing. I can't get enough. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I do know that I've finally found something outside of music that I love, that I'm semi-good at. We'll see where things go from here, my job is not very conducive for being able to write and get paid for it, but I can write casually in my down time, which is mostly what I do. I forgot that anyone who reads Stuff Christians Like and see my posts can read this blog, and immediately I thought about going back and deleting some things. But this is me, and I'm trying to be honest, so I decided against it. I'm going to just leave it, and let people assume what they may. If they even read it. Which I don't know that they do. But the possibility is there. I don't know, I'm rambling now. I've got an hour left of my workshift and then its bedtime. One more night of work, then its time to hang with the family and spend Christmas together. I'm very much looking forward to it. Working nights has sort of split my life in two - the nights that I work and the days that I don't. And I miss seeing my family as much as I did before. Which makes me worry about moving away. Maybe I can't do it. I don't know. But I had a message from Facebook, one of those, "Today Becky, we think God wants you to know" sort of deals, and it said that knowing the future would make life boring, and that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and that God hasn't forgotten about me or my life. Which was very reassuring to me, in a time of turmoil and fluidity in my life. That is all, g'night.

Dreams

I live in a fantasy world. I get that. I don't want to face the sadness of my reality, so I live my life in my head pretending to be someone else, pretending I look differently than I do, pretending constantly. Every time I lay my head down to fall asleep, instead of praying, I dream of being someone else, somewhere else, enjoying life. Just now, at work, I had an image of me, sitting somewhere in Ireland, surrounded by green, writing about my experiences there. I want that to be real. I want it to be more than a dream. More than visiting there, I want to go there and stay there. But for now, small dreams. Starting with a visit is good. My heart is heavy, and I long for travel. I knew I enjoyed traveling, but I didn't realize how much I would long for it until I hadn't in a while. My last trip was May of '08. Its been a year and a half since I've left Bellevue, Nebraska and its way past due. Some people are telling me to travel somewhere closer. Go back to NYC, which I love. Go somewhere warm. Visit Florida. California. Arizona. I don't want to go to those places. Eventually, maybe. I've been to all of them except Arizona. I want Ireland. I'm not saying it is going to give me purpose, or help me find who I am, or be a magic answer to all of life's unanswered questions. What I do know, is that it will be one dream I have that can become a reality. And when you live your life pretending, dreaming, making any of them a reality is an incredible opportunity. This dream is in my power to make come true. I don't know why I'm writing this right now. I'm fading at work, and I hadn't written in a while. I'm craving change. And the longer I go without leaving, the worse it gets.

Changes

I have to work nights now. Choir is out of the picture. Having a normal life is also out of the picture. Seeing my family and friends on a regular basis is out of the picture. How am I going to diet and lose weight working nights? Yes, I understand, working OT and getting 12% is great, especially around the holidays, I understand the logic of everything. I understand I should be grateful I still have a job, and to some degree I am. On the flip side, if I got let go, I'd at least be able to collect unemployment while looking for something else. I would've had to move into an apartment, but still. At least I'd be able to live normally. Maybe I'm just tired and emotional because the man I thought I was 'seeing' was having a monogamous relationship with someone else and I was just someone on the side. That set me up to be a weepy mess tonight, which I understand. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else anyway, but to have him tell me ON FACEBOOK no less really messed with my head. Sometimes I hate my generation. How hard is it to call me? I am just angry, sad, confused, overwhelmed, and tired. I'm tired of my life. I need a break.

Born to travel

I've always known I've loved to travel. I hate flying, but I love going new places. Taking pictures, meeting new people, learning new things, visiting the world. Life is short, and we only live once, and I am going to Ireland next year. Me, myself and I are going to stay for about a week in Dublin with my money that I get back from taxes. I'm trying to embrace being single and love my life anyway, because who knows when my path is going to have me meet the man I'm supposed to marry? Only God does, and I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to go the first week in January, I just won't have the money by then. Part of me wonders if I should sell half my stuff, move into a small apartment and save money up to move to Denver. Most of me knows that going to Ireland instead of paying bills isn't exactly the most responsible thing to do. However, bills will always be there, and I will not always be single and free to do what I please. Embracing that means following my heart, and my heart is leading me to travel. I wish I had a lot of money that would let me travel all over for a year without working. But that's impractical. So, for a week at a time out of the year, I will live my life to the best of my ability, and take advantage of the travel opportunities that are presented to me. It'd be cheaper if I could stay with someone in Ireland, but I don't know anyone there except Dave, and that certainly wouldn't go over well. Besides, not knowing anyone is part of the excitement. The more I think about it the more excited I get, and anxious.

In a perfect world, I would quit this job, work somewhere that I enjoyed, maybe making less money but happier with my day to day life. Sell the house, live in an apartment, sell some of my things I don't use, and save money. Move somewhere. Find work. I just don't want to be here anymore. I love my family and my friends, and I'd miss them, but most people I talk to who are older say, when I look back at my life I regret the things I didn't do. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to experience my dreams, starting with Ireland 2010.

I just need a title

I read something on stuffchristianslike.net that hit home for me. Serious Wednesdays (of course) always get to me, and he said this:

"We love a comeback. There is something deep and true inside us that wakes up when we come into the presence of a person who is making a comeback. But something strange happens when we are the ones in need of the comeback. Something peculiar happens when we are the ones who have fallen and broken relationships and failed in our opportunities.

We start to believe that God does not love comebacks.

We start to believe that when He sees us wallowing in our mistakes, when He looks down at our sin and grossness and wretched failure, that He wants to turn His back. We start to believe that we’ve got to fix ourselves first. We’ve got to distance ourselves from Him so that we can get our lives in order before we get close to him again. We start to believe He is not rooting for our comeback.

I think that is wrong.

I think that is a lie.

I think God is an even bigger fan of comebacks than we are.

I think God loves the comeback."

To read the whole post click here

I cried!! Sitting at my desk at work, I felt relieved, and a little silly, because I should've known that. It is easy to forget, especially when you're surrounded by people and things that remind you of all the negative things in your life. I have an addictive personality. I know that I have the tendency to get addicted to anything. You name it, its possible. Cigarettes, drugs, attention, prescription pills, food, working out, anything. I tend to take everything and obsess on it. Including my failures. My faults. My sins. My flaws flash like neon signs, making everyone (or maybe just me) focus on all of those things. There are plenty. I have blatantly ignored God. I have known that at times He has spoken to me and I chose to ignore Him. I know I'm not the only one, but it makes me ashamed. And then that shame leads to guilt, and then fear, fear of being rejected if I do go back. But then, I read things in the Bible and things like Jon's blog, and am reminded of who God really is, and have hope. I am broken, and unhappy, and there are a lot of things in my life that need to change. My relationship with my God will be slow and steady, but I believe He is here for me. I believe He knew right when I would decide to come back. I got into a discussion about the existence of God, why I believe He existed, the way he has worked in my life, and made a couple people really consider what I was saying. I even admitted I hadn't been a practicing Christian for several years. That didn't mean I wasn't still a believer, and it didn't mean that God loved me any less. In that discussion I was not speaking. God was speaking through me. He used me as an instrument to speak to those people. The only reason I think that is because I didn't get defensive or angry like I usually do when people attack my belief in God. It was a calm, logical discussion. I just realized that just now, writing this. Maybe there is hope for me after all...

God wins

Ya know, I've strayed away from this for a few days and I think it gave me time to reorient myself. This is a great tool for me to be honest and get things out of my head but, it is also intended to fetter out what I'm trying to do with my life. Following God used to be incredibly easy for me, but as of late it has been harder to swallow my pride and admit that He has the best plan for me. Anyone who reads this and prays, if you could pray for me, that'd be greatly appreciated. Because I can't figure it out. I have strong feelings that I'm not supposed to be in this line of work anymore. the pain in my wrists and hands is immense, and my dislike for the job outweighs anything else. I don't believe that God wants us to struggle through life, settling for mediocrity because its what pays the bills. I believe that He wants us to flourish and blossom and grow into wonderful, vivid, awe-inspiring yet humble people who are using the best of their abilities to further Him and to enrich lives. I just don't know how to get there.

It is what it is

I don't even know what I want to write today. Work has been chaotic for the past 2 weeks - month end is always a nightmare but this is something else. I have corrective jaw surgery looming in my future, among other things, and every day my hands hurt more after work than the day before. Out of (H)ungry (A)ngry, (L)onely, (T)ired, I'm always at least 2 of those. Not a good average. Something HAS to change, and I'm the only one who can do it. It just seems so monumental that I don't know if it'll EVER happen. Fingers crossed. Maybe I should pray. Hmm.

Relaxing

Does anyone know what it is to relax anymore? I certainly don't. Wish I did! Stressful days at work, putting in overtime, working out, cooking, cleaning, homeworking, taking care of the house, cats, laundry, dishes, seriously. Why don't we take more time for ourselves? How is it selfish to take 1 hour out of the 24 in a day just for you. An hour may seem like a lot, which I understand. Let's start at 10 minutes, 3x a day. I am an overachiever, and going to go directly for 30 solid minutes a day where my phone is off, my television and computer are off, I can listen to music, read, write, talk to God, read the Bible, pray, sit in silence, do yoga, take a hot bath, whatever it is, but take 30 minutes to do whatever it is that I want to do to relax. Daily. Maybe I won't be such a grouch if I take some me time. I know I am not the only person who feels like they spend all their lives bending to the will of other people. What they want, what will make them happy, etc. Its time to start living life for you, and not the world, which means taking care of yourself. I'm all for that.

Uncontrollable

Sometimes I get this uncontrollable anger, where its takes all I can, not to lash out. Not to yell, not to say anything, not to jump from my seat and run out of the building. Sometimes I feel so confined in this job I feel like all the screaming and kicking in the world would not suffice.

Where did my life go? Its like the past 6 years happened in 6 months. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be stuck in a cube farm at a company looking out the window and daydreaming about how smart I used to be and all the things I'd like to learn. Which is what I was doing moments before I started writing this. Now, instead of doing something about it, I'm writing - its a halfway step I'm hoping. I have the opportunity to move to Denver. I am strongly considering taking it. I have some things to pay off here, but I'm thinking within the next 6 months, if I focus and save, I'll be able to pay those things off and have money saved to move. It's time for me to do something for me. Not for Dan, not for my family, not for anyone but myself. I've spent my whole life compromising what I want and what I dream to please my family. In the long run I think they'll be happier if I do what I want to, even if it doesn't initially coincide with what they want for me. I'm not 12 anymore. Its scary, and some days I wish I was 12, so Mom and Dad could take care of me and my biggest worry would be getting my vocabulary homework done. However, wasting time dreaming of the past is something I am unwilling to do anymore. It's time to move forward. And moving forward means doing something differently. I don't know if this is what God wants for me. Our relationship is estranged, and I know that is entirely my fault. I don't know, in a week I may say, I'm staying here. But right now, my plan is to save, maybe even get a second job, pay off my debts and move.

Open honesty policy

I love reading Stuff Christians Like every day. It is written by a guy named Jon Acuff, who is satirical and witty and sarcastic, and has a unique way of approaching everyday topics. Also, he's hilarious, which is motivator enough for me to go back daily. The readers are a great group of people who are honest, heartfelt, sarcastic and witty, and makes me wish we could have an SCL convention somewhere and side hug together. There was a post that begged the question - what is one thing you can’t confess in church. What is so embarrassing or too taboo for you to admit to in church? What a broken world we live in. The answers were overwhelming, varied, and full of pain. However, people responded in a way that was very moving to me. Readers, people who have never met before, were sharing extremely personal and private details about their lives, and the only responses were ones of love. Words of encouragement, sympathy, caring and respect flooded the comments page.

What would the world be like if we could all be as open on a daily basis as we are online, on our comments page? I am not saying I am, because surely I am not. I am one of the most closed off people I’ve ever met. I hide my current struggles by focusing on past ones. Everyone knows about those already, so let’s just talk about and elaborate on those. That way the focus doesn’t have to shift to how lonely, unhappy, disgusted and disappointed I am with myself right now. The more people that read this blog, the more people will know who I am. And that mortifies me. No one else, besides my one follower, even knows this blog exists. There are certain people I would share it with, but I don’t think they even want to know the half of what I’m writing. Perhaps no one does. It is my way to cope with an unsatisfying job, a lonely life, a failing self-esteem, an all around melancholy existence. Writing is my sanity. Writing will always be a way to get things out without committing to having specific people know.

I never thought I would be 24, single, living alone, with hardly any friends to speak of. I don’t blame people for not wanting to hang out with me, I just wonder sometimes why that is. I’m not negative all the time, especially when I’m around people. I do my best to be as happy as I can muster when I’m with friends. Could it be, maybe, because I’ve gained so much weight? It’s possible, I have noted a marked difference in the amount of time my sister-in-law chooses to hang out with me, which is none, since I have become heavier. I know it is shallow, and I hope that I am completely wrong, but I have to wonder. It hurts me more than I can say that since she has started hanging out with a gal she met at work, she has completely quit calling, texting, etc. When I call her, she never answers, rarely calls back, and takes several days to respond to a text. I know that just because she’s my sister-in-law doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but at one point we were, and now we’re not, and I just don’t get it. It seems so high-school to even be thinking about it that way. In my head I’m 12, saying, well she likes Mary more than she likes me so that’s why she’s not hanging out with me anymore. Multiply that by about 15, and that’s what’s happened to my social life. I have the rare occasion of a day out with one of my closest girlfriends (my one blog follower) which I always look forward to, but happen far too far apart. I’m just not involved in anything that will garner new relationships, and a lot of my old ones I have let go simply because they were unhealthy for me. I don’t go to my church anymore…they don’t really have a target group for single 24 year old career women and I don’t exactly fit into the ‘college group’ scene…I attend classes online, I’m one of the youngest employees at my job and my other outlet is choir, where most people dislike me or couldn’t care either way about me already. Granted, my attitude has not always been the best in choir. Might be because people mock me, think I’m trying to be a diva, etc, which bothers me incredibly. So I have a big voice. So what? I’m not showing off, I’m just singing.I try to write my loneliness off as independence. I do enjoy my downtime and am completely content being by myself. Just not all the time.

This has turned into ramblings of nothingness, which I understand means I should probably stop. To sum it all up, I am missing God in my life, and Satan is rejoicing in my misery.

Death is dark.

Death is never a topic one approaches lightly. In my heart, I know that I have given my life to God and faith a thousand times over, and still fear that it is not enough. That when my time comes I will cease to exist, become nothing more than a whisper, a droplet of water in an ocean of people who came before me and will come after me. Sometimes the weight of the thought of death threatens to crush my chest, obstruct my breathing and kill me! I begin to panic, and hyperventilate. There's so much I want to do! I want to travel. I want to see the world and all its wonder. I want to help people. I want to change a life, just one. I want to fall in love, get married, have a family. I want to take beautiful pictures. I want to scuba dive. I want to improve the life of a child. I want, I want, I want. Then, well now, I guess, just now I realize, God knows what I want. He knows all of my wants. It may just be that my wants don't line up with His wants for me. Or, that the timing is just off, and my desire for instant gratification is keeping me from enjoying what I have now. Death is guaranteed. But so is life. Life in God will be a very fruitful life indeed.

How much is enough?

Ever felt like you were being pulled in a thousand different directions doing everything for other people, putting your happiness, health, hopes and dreams on hold to please other people? I've felt like that my whole life. I have a problem. I do everything to make my family happy. My friends too, yes, but mostly my family. I just don't know how to say no to people. My brother is the worst. My whole life I have looked up to him and wanted his approval. He's a very talented guy and is accomplishing his dreams. He does what he loves to do every day for work, is married and has a beautiful home and puppy. He has his share of issues, which I'm not disputing. His life is far from perfect, and I get that. However, he makes it his business to point out all of my issues in my life. He is so condescending and patronizing to me. He manipulates me to do what is best for him, and doesn't care how much it may hurt me. Or if he does, he doesn't show it. I have realized in the past 2 days that I'm really over it. I've been hurt too much by his careless ways. Everything he has done "for me" has had something that rewards him in the end. I know everyone is selfish to a degree, he just pushes the limit and crosses the line more than I think he'd ever admit. And I'm sick of it. I'm not 12 anymore, but I'm letting him push me around like we're kids fighting over the TV in the basement. Part of me really wants to just quit choir and only see him at family functions. I'm tired of being pushed around and that means I have to make a stand for myself. I need to stand up for what I believe and what I believe is that he has been a jerk to me for most of my life. I know this post is very whiny, but this is stemming from a recent experience. i.e. last night. So, perhaps I'll post later with something a little more insightful. For now, this will have to do.

Its a scary thing

Why is it such a frightening thing to care about a person? I don't mean the way we care about our friends, or our family, because in that regard caring is easy and understood and expected, to a degree. I'm talking about meeting someone, and clicking, and enjoying time with each other, sharing similar interests and passions, being able to be completely honest with each other, but being too scared to admit how incredible the time is together? Commitment has become a dirty word in our culture, and being exclusive has, somewhere along the way, turned into being restricted. I don't know when this change of views started, as I wasn't old enough to understand it. I am guessing it happened while I was in high school...when it started to become posh to be single, have multiple partners, be able to leave on a whim, being unattached means the world is your oyster. Why does it have to be that way? Why isn't it completely believable that to care about someone means to be willing to go where they go, to want them to follow their dreams and want to share that experience with them? Why do we put our feelings on hold for fear of what the future will bring? Why do we hesitate to love deeply because we don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, month, or year? I believe that is all the more reason to love deeply! Maybe I am a dreamer. Maybe I'm naive, and childish. I still believe in fairy tales, despite the horror stories that have infiltrated my life. And I still believe that my prince will come (if he hasn't already) to take me away and live happily ever after. Childish? Maybe. A little immature? Sure, that's fair. Do I care? Not in the slightest. Because its those hopes and dreams that allow me to love. And more importantly, they allow me to make myself vulnerable to be loved back.

Poorly placed jealousy

Have you ever been jealous of something you have no reason to be jealous of? Logically it doesn't make sense for anyone to long for that thing? I have. I do. I struggle with misplaced jealousy all the time. Mostly for women who are deathly thin. I am jealous of their self-control. Their discipline and determination to not be fat, to conform, to look how society says they should. If I'm being completely honest here, which is my goal, then I must admit that as much as I'd like to say I'm happy with where I am and that I'd rather be a little overweight and healthy than thin and not, that's not the truth. I'd rather be unhealthy, sick even, if it meant being thin. When I try to pin down where all of these feelings started, I'm immediately drawn to my abuse as a child. When I was young, maybe 6, I had a male babysitter who watched me and my brother every Monday night, for about a year and a half. And during that time, he would take me into my room and sexually abuse me. I think that it has a direct affect on who I am and how I think and behave. Being so young, I didn't really understand the full meaning of what was happening. When I finally started going to meetings with my parents instead of staying home, they knew something was wrong and asked me why I wouldn't stay home. I remember them bribing me with Sleeping Beauty, my favorite Disney movie that we probably couldn't afford, to get me to talk to them. He was very good. He would say things to me like, if you tell anyone, we won't be friends anymore, which to a six year old is like the death sentence. Friends are all you want at that age. I told them, and that was that. No court, no police report, just, no more contact with him or his family. I didn't understand the severity of the issue, or realize that something sacred was taken away from me until I was much older. It wasn't something we ever spoke of. For all the good things my parents do and are for me, because I love them dearly and am blessed with a caring and loving family, they don't like to speak about serious issues. When I told them about my cutting and eating issues in high school, my mother got angry with me because 'I must've learned that behavior somewhere' and my father didn't really react. And we never spoke of it again. I think a lot of my issues have had to do with not being able to speak. And for a while I really resented my parents for not taking him to court, until I realized they were trying to protect me from more horrible memories as a child. They did the best they would with what they had at the time, and I appreciate it. However, I believe that the majority of my issues of self-image and self-worth and self-esteem stem from that experience. Which of course, lead to longing for things I shouldn't, and logically know are ridiculous, like looking like this:


I know its ridiculous. I know its unhealthy. I'm just jealous that they can control themselves in ways that I cannot. I used to be able to. There was a day when this was me. And now I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life. I don't have a happy, healthy medium. I am one extreme or the other.

I want to stop. I want to be happy with who I am, and with who God made me, and confide in Him for the help and motivation to take care of myself, the right way. Sometimes it is an overwhelming feeling of loss of control. I don't want to be jealous of these girls anymore. I know men who look at ultra-thin women like them and are instantly repulsed. They say they enjoy women who look healthy, who are more heavy than more thin. However, pornography and films show that the majority of men do not feel that way. I don't want to be of the world anymore, I just don't know how not to be.

Its time to get it all out

Has there ever been anything in your life that you thought, 'There's no way this can have this much affect on me without it staying in my life forever'? I know that's a disjointed sentence, but I'm not sure how else to say it. Music is like that for me. Strings, especially, however of all the things I learned, I never got to learn the cello like I wanted. I played a plethora of instruments my public school days. I started on piano at 3(ish). Then clarinet, then trombone. Followed by flute, piccolo, alto sax, bari sax, soprano sax, bassoon, oboe, guitar, timpani, marimba/xylophone/vibraphone, and an assortment of percussion instruments i.e. triangle, maracas, tambourine, etc. Since I sum up the three keyboard percussion instruments as one (because lets face it, when you learn how to use mallets, you can play all 3) that's a total of 13 instruments. Half of which I taught myself. AND I played all of them in a performance. That's it though. That's where my bragging rights end. I am officially the girl that peaked in high school. It was a safety net.

Don't get me wrong, I was a mess in high school. I was trying my very best to be as anorexic and/or bulemic as possible, and initially I was marginally successful at both. In the end, I was incredibly successful. I wasn't even that heavy, as most of those stories go. At this point I was probably 5'5 and maybe 120 pounds, which according to any weight chart, and any frame size, is small. I was surrounded by friends who were 4+ inches shorter than me, and I wondered why I couldn't be as thin as them. It got worse as I discovered self-mutiliation...i.e. cutting. I know initially it was for attention - its not like I was ignored at my home, but I was in the shadow of an older, much more talented brother that I made worse than it actually was. However, after I got started, it became an addiction to me. All of it. Counting calories. Purging whatever I did eat. Pretending to eat. Hiding my food. As an adult I've tried to look back and say, nah I wasn't that bad. But in reality I was a lot worse than I think I ever intended to be. I started cutting in about October of my sophomore year of high school. When I joined drumline, I knew no one. I was asked by the pit instructor to join and play timpani. I don't know how he knew who I was, maybe because my brother was in drumline before me. In drumline I made a few friends, and, with no amount of luck and all because of God's love for me, became close with two people who had more faith than anyone I had ever met. They became the best friends I could've asked for. We were inseparable for 2 years. They both realized I had a problem after our first trip out of town. I wasn't very good at hiding my anorexia and bulemia. I rarely ate, and when it was necessary, I immediately went to the bathroom after. It was pretty pathetic. I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn't stop. I ended up lying to my parents and going to a Baptist church with William, because my father grew up Catholic and would've popped a blood vessel. However, in hindsight I should've known it'd be just as dangerous to lie to him about it. In any case, going to church really helped me. And when I got caught lying, my parents realized that I could've been lying about drinking or doing drugs or having sex (which I didn't do at all in high school) and they let me explore my faith, within reason. I ended up going to a Lutheran church that the assistant band/choir director and his wife attended, and found a wonderful family and faith there. Some of my best friendships came out of the darkest time in my life. I got help with my addictions, because at that point, that's what they had become. Obsessions. Mountains in my path of life. I became a new person. I was happy. I was passionate. I was capable of anything. I became more involved in writing. In playing music. In learning. I was happiest in my life when I was surrounded by and enveloped in my faith, my God. I yearn for those days. That is my weakness. I look back and long for those relationships. I am in the present, wishing for the past, and preventing my future. I digress.

The whole point of this was to say that I know that I'm not using any of my talents. I am not even sure what my talents are anymore. I enjoy writing. Photography. Singing. I don't play any instruments anymore. Occasionally I'll play the piano at my parents' house, but my guitar sits it my 'guest room' and collects dust. It comes out for Christmas when we do carol nights, but that's really it. What does God want me to do? Does He really think that sitting in a cube all day with people who treat me as inferior and incapable is where I will be best used? I use a fraction of brain power for this job. Granted, it is easy money, but I am not challenged. I'm not making any difference. I'm not using anything that God has blessed me with in my daily living. I spend 40 hours a week in a place that takes me for granted. However, I'm locked into it with the amount of bills that I have to pay at this moment in my life. I feel stuck. I feel like my body could just burst apart with frustration, anguish, irritation, and sadness. I'm 24 years old and have nothing to show for my life. I just want to cry. Heave sobs, cry so heavily it hurts. I am tired of being strong. Of keeping the facade, of making sure that I am always happy so I don't irritate someone else. Have you ever just wanted to crumble?

I just want to crumble.

On the surface

Looking through people's blogs I find that my blog name is neither creative nor witty. Which isn't necessarily an accurate reflection of me, because I usually try to (and succeed at) being creative and witty. Sometimes at the same time. It makes me wonder, if I had a catchier blog name, would people actually read what I'm writing? And if people actually read what I'm writing, will it be beneficial to them? Will they be able to relate? We live in such a self-consumed world now anyway that I don't want this blog to be another narcissistic venue in my life. I enjoy writing. It is a way to be who I am. To look back at times in my life when I was broken, sad, happy, in love, angry, and to see how I have grown. As a person, and as a writer. Not that I think I'm an incredible writer now. But I'm light-years ahead of where I was. And yes, I just made that reference. Keep your grumbles to a minimum, it seemed appropriate.

Has there ever been a time in your life where you knew that no one in your social circle knew everything about you? I am having one of those times in my life. I know that of all the people that I know, no one knows the seriousness of my financial state. Or my mental self-loathing. People may have a general idea that I'm struggling with money, and most people know I'm unhappy with my appearance. The only one I can cry out to in complete honesty is God. I've had moments in my life like this before, and tried to do it alone. It is impossible. It became such a burden for me to carry, I broke under the pressure. I fell back into sin, into casual sex and binge drinking. Looking, scrambling for any sort of acceptance, of acknowledgment that I was worth something, and finding falseness everywhere I looked. I knew where to go to find peace, and I didn't. I was stubborn, foolish, prideful, arrogant, all of the above. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, that I couldn't do it on my own, and take responsibility for all of the brokenness I created.

I have two cats. Their names are Lily and Nico. (Trust me, this has relevance I swear.) Nico is my small, spry, black, stealth ninja cat. She slinks around the house and sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Hops on the back of the couch, the kitchen counter, even opens the door to the bathroom. She's a ninja, I mean it. She has her moments, usually right when I get home and when I go to bed, when she wants attention. But normally she's ok on her own. Lily is my big, overweight, lazy, cute cuddly cat. She will take love from anyone. She has a habit of sleeping on her back with her legs splayed awkwardly that makes company question her sanity. Its ok, she does that all the time. On occasion, I'll be at home with my laptop, lying on the couch reading or writing, and she will jump onto my chest out of nowhere. She will nuzzle up under my arms, forcing my computer back, and rub her head against my face. If I get a phone call or text message and try to respond, she interferes. Basically makes me stop everything that I'm doing and pay attention to her. Its cute, and I appreciate the love, but sometimes its incredibly inconvenient.

Sometimes I think God is like that. At some point, He starts to pull at your heart, and eventually He gets right in your face and says something like 'Hey, I'm here. I've been waiting for you to come back to Me, and I think now is a good time for you to stop what you're doing and pay attention.' That happened last night, in regards to my previous post. After I read that and posted, Lily got cuddly and made me put my computer down. I thought to myself, well if that's not the biggest sign to take some quiet time and listen to God, I don't know what is. I can't describe what I felt last night. Immense pressure on my chest and an uncontrollable stream of tears. No, it wasn't a heart attack, or Lily. It wasn't an uncomfortable pressure, just a sensation of ease, even in the throes of breaking apart at the seams.

I don't know what the point of all this is. I just plan on continuing to listen, to learn, to grow, and live in His grace. I know I will never be the person I'm supposed to be without His help. Its getting over myself to ask that will continue to be the struggle.

The Mirror of God

And just when I was going to bed, when I thought my day was over, I read a friends blog, and this is what she had posted for the day.

From the book “Who Calls Me Beautiful?”

Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image. Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens, and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are Mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are My pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of My hand. I love you even in the face of your failure. Nothing you say or do can cause Me to stop loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you. Run from Me - I will love you. Spurn Me - I will love you. Reject yourself - I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you - heart, mind, and body. You are My desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours.

I haven't cried, felt God pressing on my heart, as much as in that moment. He wanted me to see how silly my previous post was. How could I think He would not forgive me? To see it put the way it was put above, about how much care and time and love was taken to create me, as much as I may hate myself, I'm hating what God created, and even in that, He still loves me. That's the most impacting line to me, because I do it every day.

When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours.

Who am I to question what God has made? I can take care of it a little better, maybe love it a little more, but not hate it. Because God made me. I am already His Beloved. What more could I ever ask for?

For who I am

How many times have you thought to yourself...If only they could see who I really am, they wouldn't *insert whatever statement here*. For example:

If only they could see who I really am, they wouldn't laugh. They wouldn't underestimate. They would be attracted to me. They'd understand my potential.

Well who or what is keeping them from seeing the real you? And what are you doing to change that?

I have to call myself out on that on a regular basis. First I have to figure out who the real me is. I'm good at being a variety of fake mes. But I don't think I have known who the real me is, ever. It'd be nice to find out. I'm trying. My relationship with God is awkward at best. Something about that whole unworthy of His love and grace thing that I can't get past. How about the 'I know I'm going to be a constant disappointment' excuse? I use that one constantly. I haven't had a genuine talent since high school. I'm not one to be a negative gal. I enjoy life and being happy. That is true. However, looking at my life right now I don't see myself succeeding at much of anything.

If they could see who I really am, they'd have their assumptions confirmed, and then where would we be?

Flying oustide the merry-go-round

In life God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and to make you exactly who you are meant to be. I love that quote.

So maybe, through this difficult portion of my life, I will learn to trust fewer people but trust more, love fewer people but love more, and be grateful for the people I have in my life. Maybe I'll learn that things are not always what they seem, that words can get in the way of how I really feel, that the most important things in life aren't things, and, that I deserve respect and support from my friends just as much as the next guy. That I should have the opportunity to be myself, no questions asked. Maybe I'll learn to just let go.

Maybe...

For now I am still flying outside the merry-go-round, gripping my fingers around the bar, white-knuckled, clinging to the past I once loved and felt safe in, afraid to let go and see what the future has in store for me. Maybe I'll land in the sand, unscathed, a little dirty, but capable of picking myself up and brushing off the dust. Maybe it will be the ground, hard and spongy at the same time, a little more damaging, a few bumps and bruises, but no open wounds. I'll get up and walk the soreness off, and remember how much it hurt and not go back. Even still, I could land hard on the concrete. Scrape my body up, bleed, and cry in pain. But even in the worst case, even with open wounds for everyone to see, wounds heal. In time, everything heals. I've started to let the grip slip just a bit, and reluctantly but obviously take steps forward. But this I know for sure: even without landing on the concrete, the scars of this moment in my life will last forever. And those scars will be a blessing and a curse. A blessing in showing me I had the courage to let go, but a curse in reminding me what I had to let go of.

Falling Back

I find myself falling into the same feelings I've fallen back into so many times before. I realize that now, which is progress, when before I would deny it. Seeing how long I can go between meals. Being satisfied that my stomach is grumbling and I still keep from filling it. Counting every calorie. Filling myself with water, unsweetened tea, black coffee and diet soda. Zero calories. Full stomach. My weight is at an all time high. I yo-yo back and forth between binge eating because I'm stressed or confused about life, and then micromanaging my food and nearly starving myself to gain control of an otherwise 'out of control' situation, whether it really is, or that is my perception does not matter. I have a man in my life who is amazing. He is understanding, and supportive, and determined to show me how confident and beautiful and intelligent I am without worrying about the number on a scale. No one knows the extent of my relapse. I don't really count it as a relapse anyway, because I am still eating. My worst day was Friday. I had a quarter of a chicken enchilada around 4:30. Diet coke, coffee, water, wine, and a snifter of Jack Daniels at a buddy's house. I'm trying to figure it out and come back to normalcy with it. However, its really easy to rejoice in the wrong things.

I know what I need to do, and logically I know what I'm doing makes absolutely no sense. However, my finances are spinning out of control, my weight is already out of control, I'm head over heels for a man in my life who I know shares my affection but is moving, and doesn't know when, which means the relationship aspect is out of my control, I want to quit smoking but it will make me gain more weight, I hate my job but need the money, so I cannot change, and for all those things, I panic and think, well fine. I'm going to get some semblance of control and order back in my life. How? Food. I think just getting all of this out helps. It makes me realize that what I'm doing is ridiculous, and there are better, healthier ways to deal with my issues. I just don't know how to go about doing them.

I went to church and, ironically enough, after reading http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com all week last week, service was about the Prodigal's Son. Pretty incredible. I've tried talking to God more, but I feel awkward. I know He's not laughing at me or judging me, but I feel like if I were Him I would be. Which is why He's so amazing, and I cannot grasp his immense love and grace. I'm struggling, I guess is what I'm saying. I put on a good front, and yes, there are lots of things in my life that are good. But there are a lot of things in my life that could be better also.

Unsure

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this blog will be. I just know that I struggle with a lot of things I'm sure other people struggle with as well. And maybe if I voice what I'm dealing with, people will be able to relate, and just maybe we'll be able to learn from each other.

I realize more now than ever that I am an extremely jealous person. Jealous of my brother and his success, of my mother and her weight loss, my father and his education, of all my friends who are thinner than I am, by no fault of their own, and who have done nothing wrong to me, of any woman who speaks to any man that I may be interested in, or any woman that any man I may be interested in speaks to, of people who love their jobs, of people who have lost weight, who have no money troubles, who are engaged/married/having babies...I think that sums up pretty much everyone in my life. Its not fair of me to feel that way towards them, they're just doing what they should. I am the one to blame for my lack of motivation to finish school, find a better career, lose weight, take control of my money, etc.

I feel like right now, in my life, God is waving a big red flag at me saying HEY! Hey I'm still here, I'm loving you and waiting for you to come back to Me. Once you do, you know things will steadily get better, because I will be with you, and I will take care of you. All you have to do is come back.

My foolish sinful pride isn't the only thing keeping me from returning to Him and accepting His forgiveness, but its a huge part. Shame, fear, embarrassment, all unfounded because God doesn't keep a scorecard. Unfathomable to me that He can forgive me time and again for the mistakes I've made repeatedly. Its like the 'beating a dead horse' analogy, which is quite grotesque if you think about it, however it fits here. How many times am I going to be forgiven for the same things before God comes back and says nope, you used up your last chance. Nice try, we'll see you later. The amazing part is, I know He will never say that. I just have to get over myself and admit that I have been wrong, I have messed up, take responsibility for my actions, and acknowledge that I am incapable of handling things on my own. That takes humility, and until recently I have been unwilling or unable to humble myself. I find now that humility is grace, its cloaked sure, but its there. How bout a healthy dose of humility today?