My life is crazy. Tanya and Jon have moved into an apartment, and almost all of their stuff is out of my house. I made sure of that yesterday, when I had to help move their bed because of Tanya's back. Anyway I'm thrilled to have my house back, it feels good. Pete and I have not painted yet, but I don't think I'm going to Denver this week, so maybe we'll get started.
So, about Denver. I have a throbbing pounding migraine right now, I'm still coughing, and I don't want to go out of town to visit everyone when I'm sick. I have canceled my flight, so either I'm going to get my money back, if the people at the home office feel generous on Monday morning. Or, I'll have a credit of whatever the amount was at Southwest, which would be fine because I'm going to end up going to Denver at some point anyway.
I may move in with my sister-in-law when my brother leaves for school. I am not fond of this idea, however, she can't move in with me, the fence is too short for Koda - he'd jump it in a heartbeat. Her house is just further away, and as much as I love her dearly, I don't do well with roommates. I need my own space. Sadly, my mom is gung-ho about the idea too...I'm sure because she'll rent the house I'm in now out to someone for more money. They are cutting me a huge deal and I understand that, so maybe they'll sell it. I don't know. But I like my house. And once Pete and I paint, I'm going to like it so much more. And, if I move in with her, I have to get rid of my kitties. I'm not sure I can do that. I love my kitties. I don't know - maybe they'll figure something out and won't ask. My sis-in-law says there's no pressure, but I know that if me moving in with her is the best idea, my brother will be a persistent jerk about it until I say yes. I HATE being a pushover.
On a much happier, much more exciting note...I'm going to Gettysburg in March to meet all my PRS/AGH friends, meet the cast of Paranormal State, and do a little paranormal investigating. There are workshops and everything, and I'm meeting Jasmine at the airport and we're riding to Gettysburg from there together. I'm extremely excited about this, I can't put it into words. All of these people I talk to are so awesome and grounded and fun and they're all excited to see that I'm coming. I can't wait to meet them all and have a great weekend! It was just a spur of the moment decision I made, and I haven't had something to look forward to that I was this excited about in a very long time. My sister-in-law was so proud of me that I just made the decision to do something for myself, and did it, not caring what anyone thought about my choices. I'm 24, I'm an adult, I can make my own choices with my finances. So, I did.
I have a horrible migraine, and I'm still at work so I'm going to stop typing now.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Faith
Since this has nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I'll add it first, instead of as a p.s. I have been struggling with eating lately. Being sick has not helped, but my lack of appetite is alarming. I don't want to eat, its not that I'm not hungry, its just that I have no desire to eat. Sometimes I feel sick, and the thought of eating makes me physically ill. I don't know what that means, but let me continue. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been praying occasionally, usually for other people, but I pray for sleep sometimes too. I feel dizzy and light-headed, sometimes like I'm going to pass out. And I'm still coughing like crazy. Something is still wrong with me, very wrong, but my doctor just writes me off. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it all.
Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.
The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.
Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.
Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.
The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.
Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.
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