Faith

Since this has nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I'll add it first, instead of as a p.s. I have been struggling with eating lately. Being sick has not helped, but my lack of appetite is alarming. I don't want to eat, its not that I'm not hungry, its just that I have no desire to eat. Sometimes I feel sick, and the thought of eating makes me physically ill. I don't know what that means, but let me continue. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been praying occasionally, usually for other people, but I pray for sleep sometimes too. I feel dizzy and light-headed, sometimes like I'm going to pass out. And I'm still coughing like crazy. Something is still wrong with me, very wrong, but my doctor just writes me off. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it all.

Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.

The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.

Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.