First night back in the Command Center and the truth comes out. People have been complaining for weeks about me working from home. I have come to realize more and more that this place I call a job is more like high school than I could ever have dreamed. I'd love to offer anyone the trade-off...you take my headaches and work from home, and I'll be headache free and work from the office. Done and done. I don't appreciate being lied to, cursed at or spoken about behind my back, etc. All of those things have happened to me in the past 2 and a half days of work. I graduated high school in 2003 and thought that I left it there. Apparently not.
There has to be something more than this. More than dreading every night I have to clock in at work. More than trudging through, unappreciated and unchallenged. Jon Acuff made a point about the desert road, how God takes us the long way around sometimes, how sometimes we have to have a few crappy jobs so that we can appreciate the good one. I'm ready for the good one. Struggling through some crappy relationships to help us become who we need to be when we meet the right one. I think I'm there. The difference between my thoughts and God's is that I'm on my schedule and God is always on his. Sometimes his idea of time and mine do not coincide. Sometimes he takes way too long, and sometimes he shocks the crap out of me with how quickly things happen. Being back here in this environment only shows me more how quickly I want to be out of it. Into anything else. ANYTHING that will allow me to continue living on my own. Everyone tells me to be grateful that I have a job, and yes, I am grateful that I'm employed. However I don't appreciate the way I've been treated lately, and in any other job I've had, this kind of behavior would not be tolerated. I am not posting this on my public blog because people will just chide me for whining, and, I'm trying to use wordpress more for expanding my blog knowledge and this is more private...so sorry to those of you who continue to read here. If you want more insightful blog posts, go to http://rebeccamh.wordpress.com.
EDIT: I have applied for 8 jobs in Omaha, still with First Data but out of the command center. Fingers crossed.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Creativity
When I was young, my parents always encouraged me to use my imagination. To be creative. That little pink crayon and perforated sheet of printer paper my dad brought home from work was my paint and easel. I might’ve gotten carried away with a Sharpie on my brand new wall-papered room, but that’s another story for another time. In any case, those scribbled lines I drew were comparable to Da Vinci himself! At least, that’s how my parents made me feel. They were always encouraging me. What? You’re three but you want to read what your six-year-old brother reads? Go ahead, give it a shot! You wanna try cheerleading? Sure. You wanna go to your friend’s house and sleep over? Of course you can. You wanna cover the driveway with chalk? Have at it kid! Lemonade stand? Here, let me help you make the sign.
What happened to all of that? To being creative, and using the imagination. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who still do that, and I say kudos to you. We live in a world that puts people into boxes, and label them with permanent maker. Telemarketer. Accountant. Prostitute. Sinner. Drug Dealer. Bank Teller. And we feel stuck in those positions because the world isn’t very good at igniting creativity.
Sure, the world is full of really awesome commercials, (especially apple, why is that?) that shows how creative THOSE people are, but what do they do to ignite others to dig into their own internal creativity? Not much. Its a sad thing too. I used to be creative through music. I played 13 instruments. Now I play the piano, occasionally when I visit my parents. I write still, but it’s shoddy at best. I take pictures too, and I’m decent with that as well but I have a LOT to learn. I’m tied to a computer 12 hours a night, 3, 4, sometimes 5, 6 nights a week. But, I’m always hearing music in my head (August Rush, as of late) and I’m always thinking. Wondering what I could be if I just pushed myself beyond the boundaries I have so carefully built up around me. Its a scary thing, because knocking down those walls will open up the opportunity to be hurt, to be criticized, to be laughed at, to be all of those things I’ve been mortified of since I was the kid everyone picked on at school so many years ago. Things like that leave their mark, no matter how much time has gone by. But slowly, hopefully I’ll be able to remove the wall I’ve built. One brick at a time. Because I believe I, like you, and everyone else, has an immeasurable amount of creativity, and the only thing in the way are the walls we’ve built. Sure, we’ve kept the bad stuff out, but we’ve kept the amazing stuff in too. It’s time to let the amazing stuff out.
What happened to all of that? To being creative, and using the imagination. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who still do that, and I say kudos to you. We live in a world that puts people into boxes, and label them with permanent maker. Telemarketer. Accountant. Prostitute. Sinner. Drug Dealer. Bank Teller. And we feel stuck in those positions because the world isn’t very good at igniting creativity.
Sure, the world is full of really awesome commercials, (especially apple, why is that?) that shows how creative THOSE people are, but what do they do to ignite others to dig into their own internal creativity? Not much. Its a sad thing too. I used to be creative through music. I played 13 instruments. Now I play the piano, occasionally when I visit my parents. I write still, but it’s shoddy at best. I take pictures too, and I’m decent with that as well but I have a LOT to learn. I’m tied to a computer 12 hours a night, 3, 4, sometimes 5, 6 nights a week. But, I’m always hearing music in my head (August Rush, as of late) and I’m always thinking. Wondering what I could be if I just pushed myself beyond the boundaries I have so carefully built up around me. Its a scary thing, because knocking down those walls will open up the opportunity to be hurt, to be criticized, to be laughed at, to be all of those things I’ve been mortified of since I was the kid everyone picked on at school so many years ago. Things like that leave their mark, no matter how much time has gone by. But slowly, hopefully I’ll be able to remove the wall I’ve built. One brick at a time. Because I believe I, like you, and everyone else, has an immeasurable amount of creativity, and the only thing in the way are the walls we’ve built. Sure, we’ve kept the bad stuff out, but we’ve kept the amazing stuff in too. It’s time to let the amazing stuff out.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wow
It's been a while hasn't it! well, it's May 16th. Tonight is my last night of work until Friday, and I guess the old gang is going out Wednesday morning after our shift for a green beer for St. Patrick's day. That should actually be a really great time - good people.
Exciting things in the past month:
Moved into my apartment and got 2 months rent free
Worked lots of OT so extra cash is nice
Went to the ER due to the move into the apartment (I'm fine)
A day of prayer from SCL (www.stuffchristianslike.net)
My brother and I are speaking again
Boondock Saints the original in theaters with Dottie
My mom reached her weight loss goal and looks absolutely incredible
Exciting things coming up:
3/25 - 3/29: GETTYSBURG!!! Meet the cast of PRS, hang with some cool people, learn some things and explore the history of the area. So excited.
4/15 - 4/18: State College, PA!! Open House with Father Bob, Ryan, and a lecture from Serg and Josh. I'm spoiling myself with all this travel, but I'm single, without kids. I'm going to live it up.
4/18 Evening: Sing Omaha concert. Dr. Stroope is coming and I'm going to be able to go to the show to see my old friends and Dr. Stroope. VERY exciting stuff.
Sometime after things slow down, I'm going to North Platte to visit an old friend.
6/15: My birthday! The big 2-5.
6/24 - 6/28: Georgia! PISCA event, hang with Jay, Scott and meet up with Tina for a weekend of camping, stories and keeping a look-out for Big Foot. Hehehe
Sometime in October is Scarefest, and I'm absolutely going to that also.
I will of course add more as they fill in but I have a LOT to be looking forward to. I am also working a TON of overtime, but again, the money is good and helping me be able to afford all this travel.
I have a lot to talk about, serious things, sad things, confusing things, but for now, for this moment, I'm going to revel in all the wonderful things going on in my life. I love my apartment, even with half-unpacked boxes and laundry lying around. Being closer to work is going to save me a TON on gas money. I'm still working on my relationship with God, but its getting closer, and those closest to me have acknowledged that even if they don't believe what I do, they love and support me anyway. That's helpful. I'm thinking about going back to school...again. I'm looking for a new place of employment, still. I miss a few of my friends - Bethany, Tiffany, Dottie, my sister-in-law, I never see them enough. I'm always working OT so I never know when I'll have a free day. I should put in more of an effort to put my foot down with my boss. Lately it has felt like I live in the First Data Command Center in Omaha. I have stalled out with losing weight, after 25 lbs. I can't say I've been trying, what with the mono, strep, infections, then packing and moving, it wasn't on my list of priorities. I'd like to get back to it.
Even with all that, my life is pretty amazing.
Exciting things in the past month:
Moved into my apartment and got 2 months rent free
Worked lots of OT so extra cash is nice
Went to the ER due to the move into the apartment (I'm fine)
A day of prayer from SCL (www.stuffchristianslike.net)
My brother and I are speaking again
Boondock Saints the original in theaters with Dottie
My mom reached her weight loss goal and looks absolutely incredible
Exciting things coming up:
3/25 - 3/29: GETTYSBURG!!! Meet the cast of PRS, hang with some cool people, learn some things and explore the history of the area. So excited.
4/15 - 4/18: State College, PA!! Open House with Father Bob, Ryan, and a lecture from Serg and Josh. I'm spoiling myself with all this travel, but I'm single, without kids. I'm going to live it up.
4/18 Evening: Sing Omaha concert. Dr. Stroope is coming and I'm going to be able to go to the show to see my old friends and Dr. Stroope. VERY exciting stuff.
Sometime after things slow down, I'm going to North Platte to visit an old friend.
6/15: My birthday! The big 2-5.
6/24 - 6/28: Georgia! PISCA event, hang with Jay, Scott and meet up with Tina for a weekend of camping, stories and keeping a look-out for Big Foot. Hehehe
Sometime in October is Scarefest, and I'm absolutely going to that also.
I will of course add more as they fill in but I have a LOT to be looking forward to. I am also working a TON of overtime, but again, the money is good and helping me be able to afford all this travel.
I have a lot to talk about, serious things, sad things, confusing things, but for now, for this moment, I'm going to revel in all the wonderful things going on in my life. I love my apartment, even with half-unpacked boxes and laundry lying around. Being closer to work is going to save me a TON on gas money. I'm still working on my relationship with God, but its getting closer, and those closest to me have acknowledged that even if they don't believe what I do, they love and support me anyway. That's helpful. I'm thinking about going back to school...again. I'm looking for a new place of employment, still. I miss a few of my friends - Bethany, Tiffany, Dottie, my sister-in-law, I never see them enough. I'm always working OT so I never know when I'll have a free day. I should put in more of an effort to put my foot down with my boss. Lately it has felt like I live in the First Data Command Center in Omaha. I have stalled out with losing weight, after 25 lbs. I can't say I've been trying, what with the mono, strep, infections, then packing and moving, it wasn't on my list of priorities. I'd like to get back to it.
Even with all that, my life is pretty amazing.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Change
Looks like I'll be living in my own apartment here in about 2 days. I'd say half my stuff is at the apt and half is still at the house. I wish I had a truck. I'll be renting a U-Haul on Thursday and hoping that Jon will help me move things. The big stuff (tv, couches, bed) are the ones that i need the most at the apt, and the hardest to move. GAH! I'm sick of living out of two places!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Its Wednesday
So - I had a job interview last week. For a position in Hagerstown, Maryland. I'm pretty excited about it, and I hope that I get it. For numerous reasons, one being that its somewhere new, and I need new. Two, that its on the east coast, which I love. It is rich in history. Three, I'll be independent. If I don't get the job in Maryland, I'll be moving into an apartment close to work, and have my parents sell or rent the house out or do whatever it is they want to do. I'll pay my own rent and my own bills and everything. Car insurance, utilities, all of it. I'll be a little tight on expenses for a while, but I don't care, because I'm tired of being dependent on my parents. I love them for it, but I'm 24 years old. I should be able to make it on my own. My brother is currently not speaking to me because I refused to move in with his wife while he is away in grad school. The deciding factor for me, more than anything else, was that I didn't want to be the fixer anymore. The convenient excuse was that I love and adore my kitties and I would have to get rid of them because of their dog Koda. My brother argued with me, saying that I was considering getting rid of the cats before (which I was, a year ago, right after Kris and I broke up, b/c we got them together) and when I told him that I wasn't going to do it, he hung up on me. That was January 30th. It is now February 17th, and the communication we have had since the 30th was yesterday. It went like this. Him: "Do you have a cell for Pete B? Need him to bid some repair work at home." Me: "Yeah. 402-555-5555" Him: "Thanks" Me: "You're welcome." That's it. All business. I talk with his wife more than him. It hurts, but I'm not going to be submissive to him anymore. He needs to apologize to me before things will get better, and if he doesn't, well, I guess some siblings don't get along in life. Maybe we're not meant to either. I know it hurts my family that we fight but, they are always telling me to stick up for myself and do what I need to do for me so, this is what it takes.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Change
Life is crazy isn't it? I miss God in my life. It's my fault I don't spend as much time with Him as I should. I hate my job - I hate working nights and missing time with my family. I hate that I waste money on things that I really don't need. I hate that I am always the one to give of myself and when I choose to finally take a stand, I'm punished for it by the ones closest to me. I've been sick, since Christmas, and I hate that I can't get better. It is so easy to complain. I complain here because, I have no one who will just let me complain, and get it out. I feel like I am always the strong one, the one who has to have it together all the time. The fixer. I feel like if something is wrong in my friend's life or my family's life that I should be the one to make it right, and that just is not the case. A wise man told me that I need to start being selfish, and take care of myself too. My father told me I had to stop living my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do. I wept. That's been my entire life. I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy. I don't even know what would make me happy because I haven't take the time to stop and think about it. I know writing, taking pictures, and music make me happy. I don't know what that means for me, but its a start I suppose. I know Pete makes me happy, but he's my friend, and it appears he always will be. Just my friend. I'm ok with that. I long to be a wife and mother. I believe I'd be a good mom. I just don't know what to do right now to make myself happy. I'm looking for a new job. That's my start. Praying and reading the Bible would probably help too. I'm just sad in general. There are things in my life that make me happy, but mostly, I'm just sad.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Life
My life is crazy. Tanya and Jon have moved into an apartment, and almost all of their stuff is out of my house. I made sure of that yesterday, when I had to help move their bed because of Tanya's back. Anyway I'm thrilled to have my house back, it feels good. Pete and I have not painted yet, but I don't think I'm going to Denver this week, so maybe we'll get started.
So, about Denver. I have a throbbing pounding migraine right now, I'm still coughing, and I don't want to go out of town to visit everyone when I'm sick. I have canceled my flight, so either I'm going to get my money back, if the people at the home office feel generous on Monday morning. Or, I'll have a credit of whatever the amount was at Southwest, which would be fine because I'm going to end up going to Denver at some point anyway.
I may move in with my sister-in-law when my brother leaves for school. I am not fond of this idea, however, she can't move in with me, the fence is too short for Koda - he'd jump it in a heartbeat. Her house is just further away, and as much as I love her dearly, I don't do well with roommates. I need my own space. Sadly, my mom is gung-ho about the idea too...I'm sure because she'll rent the house I'm in now out to someone for more money. They are cutting me a huge deal and I understand that, so maybe they'll sell it. I don't know. But I like my house. And once Pete and I paint, I'm going to like it so much more. And, if I move in with her, I have to get rid of my kitties. I'm not sure I can do that. I love my kitties. I don't know - maybe they'll figure something out and won't ask. My sis-in-law says there's no pressure, but I know that if me moving in with her is the best idea, my brother will be a persistent jerk about it until I say yes. I HATE being a pushover.
On a much happier, much more exciting note...I'm going to Gettysburg in March to meet all my PRS/AGH friends, meet the cast of Paranormal State, and do a little paranormal investigating. There are workshops and everything, and I'm meeting Jasmine at the airport and we're riding to Gettysburg from there together. I'm extremely excited about this, I can't put it into words. All of these people I talk to are so awesome and grounded and fun and they're all excited to see that I'm coming. I can't wait to meet them all and have a great weekend! It was just a spur of the moment decision I made, and I haven't had something to look forward to that I was this excited about in a very long time. My sister-in-law was so proud of me that I just made the decision to do something for myself, and did it, not caring what anyone thought about my choices. I'm 24, I'm an adult, I can make my own choices with my finances. So, I did.
I have a horrible migraine, and I'm still at work so I'm going to stop typing now.
So, about Denver. I have a throbbing pounding migraine right now, I'm still coughing, and I don't want to go out of town to visit everyone when I'm sick. I have canceled my flight, so either I'm going to get my money back, if the people at the home office feel generous on Monday morning. Or, I'll have a credit of whatever the amount was at Southwest, which would be fine because I'm going to end up going to Denver at some point anyway.
I may move in with my sister-in-law when my brother leaves for school. I am not fond of this idea, however, she can't move in with me, the fence is too short for Koda - he'd jump it in a heartbeat. Her house is just further away, and as much as I love her dearly, I don't do well with roommates. I need my own space. Sadly, my mom is gung-ho about the idea too...I'm sure because she'll rent the house I'm in now out to someone for more money. They are cutting me a huge deal and I understand that, so maybe they'll sell it. I don't know. But I like my house. And once Pete and I paint, I'm going to like it so much more. And, if I move in with her, I have to get rid of my kitties. I'm not sure I can do that. I love my kitties. I don't know - maybe they'll figure something out and won't ask. My sis-in-law says there's no pressure, but I know that if me moving in with her is the best idea, my brother will be a persistent jerk about it until I say yes. I HATE being a pushover.
On a much happier, much more exciting note...I'm going to Gettysburg in March to meet all my PRS/AGH friends, meet the cast of Paranormal State, and do a little paranormal investigating. There are workshops and everything, and I'm meeting Jasmine at the airport and we're riding to Gettysburg from there together. I'm extremely excited about this, I can't put it into words. All of these people I talk to are so awesome and grounded and fun and they're all excited to see that I'm coming. I can't wait to meet them all and have a great weekend! It was just a spur of the moment decision I made, and I haven't had something to look forward to that I was this excited about in a very long time. My sister-in-law was so proud of me that I just made the decision to do something for myself, and did it, not caring what anyone thought about my choices. I'm 24, I'm an adult, I can make my own choices with my finances. So, I did.
I have a horrible migraine, and I'm still at work so I'm going to stop typing now.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Faith
Since this has nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I'll add it first, instead of as a p.s. I have been struggling with eating lately. Being sick has not helped, but my lack of appetite is alarming. I don't want to eat, its not that I'm not hungry, its just that I have no desire to eat. Sometimes I feel sick, and the thought of eating makes me physically ill. I don't know what that means, but let me continue. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been praying occasionally, usually for other people, but I pray for sleep sometimes too. I feel dizzy and light-headed, sometimes like I'm going to pass out. And I'm still coughing like crazy. Something is still wrong with me, very wrong, but my doctor just writes me off. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it all.
Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.
The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.
Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.
Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.
The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.
Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
