Change

Looks like I'll be living in my own apartment here in about 2 days. I'd say half my stuff is at the apt and half is still at the house. I wish I had a truck. I'll be renting a U-Haul on Thursday and hoping that Jon will help me move things. The big stuff (tv, couches, bed) are the ones that i need the most at the apt, and the hardest to move. GAH! I'm sick of living out of two places!

Its Wednesday

So - I had a job interview last week. For a position in Hagerstown, Maryland. I'm pretty excited about it, and I hope that I get it. For numerous reasons, one being that its somewhere new, and I need new. Two, that its on the east coast, which I love. It is rich in history. Three, I'll be independent. If I don't get the job in Maryland, I'll be moving into an apartment close to work, and have my parents sell or rent the house out or do whatever it is they want to do. I'll pay my own rent and my own bills and everything. Car insurance, utilities, all of it. I'll be a little tight on expenses for a while, but I don't care, because I'm tired of being dependent on my parents. I love them for it, but I'm 24 years old. I should be able to make it on my own. My brother is currently not speaking to me because I refused to move in with his wife while he is away in grad school. The deciding factor for me, more than anything else, was that I didn't want to be the fixer anymore. The convenient excuse was that I love and adore my kitties and I would have to get rid of them because of their dog Koda. My brother argued with me, saying that I was considering getting rid of the cats before (which I was, a year ago, right after Kris and I broke up, b/c we got them together) and when I told him that I wasn't going to do it, he hung up on me. That was January 30th. It is now February 17th, and the communication we have had since the 30th was yesterday. It went like this. Him: "Do you have a cell for Pete B? Need him to bid some repair work at home." Me: "Yeah. 402-555-5555" Him: "Thanks" Me: "You're welcome." That's it. All business. I talk with his wife more than him. It hurts, but I'm not going to be submissive to him anymore. He needs to apologize to me before things will get better, and if he doesn't, well, I guess some siblings don't get along in life. Maybe we're not meant to either. I know it hurts my family that we fight but, they are always telling me to stick up for myself and do what I need to do for me so, this is what it takes.

Change

Life is crazy isn't it? I miss God in my life. It's my fault I don't spend as much time with Him as I should. I hate my job - I hate working nights and missing time with my family. I hate that I waste money on things that I really don't need. I hate that I am always the one to give of myself and when I choose to finally take a stand, I'm punished for it by the ones closest to me. I've been sick, since Christmas, and I hate that I can't get better. It is so easy to complain. I complain here because, I have no one who will just let me complain, and get it out. I feel like I am always the strong one, the one who has to have it together all the time. The fixer. I feel like if something is wrong in my friend's life or my family's life that I should be the one to make it right, and that just is not the case. A wise man told me that I need to start being selfish, and take care of myself too. My father told me I had to stop living my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do. I wept. That's been my entire life. I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy. I don't even know what would make me happy because I haven't take the time to stop and think about it. I know writing, taking pictures, and music make me happy. I don't know what that means for me, but its a start I suppose. I know Pete makes me happy, but he's my friend, and it appears he always will be. Just my friend. I'm ok with that. I long to be a wife and mother. I believe I'd be a good mom. I just don't know what to do right now to make myself happy. I'm looking for a new job. That's my start. Praying and reading the Bible would probably help too. I'm just sad in general. There are things in my life that make me happy, but mostly, I'm just sad.