Christmas

I love this time of year. I can't wait for Christmas - spending time with the family, being happy when people enjoy the gifts I got them, etc. One of my favorite things in the world is spending time with my family, and I don't get to do it very often anymore. I'm so ready to be done with work for a while, however, i am 10 pages into a story, that will probably only be for myself, but has been fun to write all the same. The weather is supposed to get dicey here in the big O, but probably not until Wednesday night. I know I'll be crashing at the parent's house on Thursday, but I think I'll stay home on Wednesday. Actually I think that's when everyone is getting together to see Myra and Jason. As much as I love friends and seeing people, sometimes I just want to be left alone. I wonder if that's unhealthy. Oh well.

Writing

I've been writing more lately. It's been wonderful for me. I think that is my passion - writing. I can't get enough. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I do know that I've finally found something outside of music that I love, that I'm semi-good at. We'll see where things go from here, my job is not very conducive for being able to write and get paid for it, but I can write casually in my down time, which is mostly what I do. I forgot that anyone who reads Stuff Christians Like and see my posts can read this blog, and immediately I thought about going back and deleting some things. But this is me, and I'm trying to be honest, so I decided against it. I'm going to just leave it, and let people assume what they may. If they even read it. Which I don't know that they do. But the possibility is there. I don't know, I'm rambling now. I've got an hour left of my workshift and then its bedtime. One more night of work, then its time to hang with the family and spend Christmas together. I'm very much looking forward to it. Working nights has sort of split my life in two - the nights that I work and the days that I don't. And I miss seeing my family as much as I did before. Which makes me worry about moving away. Maybe I can't do it. I don't know. But I had a message from Facebook, one of those, "Today Becky, we think God wants you to know" sort of deals, and it said that knowing the future would make life boring, and that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and that God hasn't forgotten about me or my life. Which was very reassuring to me, in a time of turmoil and fluidity in my life. That is all, g'night.

Dreams

I live in a fantasy world. I get that. I don't want to face the sadness of my reality, so I live my life in my head pretending to be someone else, pretending I look differently than I do, pretending constantly. Every time I lay my head down to fall asleep, instead of praying, I dream of being someone else, somewhere else, enjoying life. Just now, at work, I had an image of me, sitting somewhere in Ireland, surrounded by green, writing about my experiences there. I want that to be real. I want it to be more than a dream. More than visiting there, I want to go there and stay there. But for now, small dreams. Starting with a visit is good. My heart is heavy, and I long for travel. I knew I enjoyed traveling, but I didn't realize how much I would long for it until I hadn't in a while. My last trip was May of '08. Its been a year and a half since I've left Bellevue, Nebraska and its way past due. Some people are telling me to travel somewhere closer. Go back to NYC, which I love. Go somewhere warm. Visit Florida. California. Arizona. I don't want to go to those places. Eventually, maybe. I've been to all of them except Arizona. I want Ireland. I'm not saying it is going to give me purpose, or help me find who I am, or be a magic answer to all of life's unanswered questions. What I do know, is that it will be one dream I have that can become a reality. And when you live your life pretending, dreaming, making any of them a reality is an incredible opportunity. This dream is in my power to make come true. I don't know why I'm writing this right now. I'm fading at work, and I hadn't written in a while. I'm craving change. And the longer I go without leaving, the worse it gets.