Relaxing

Does anyone know what it is to relax anymore? I certainly don't. Wish I did! Stressful days at work, putting in overtime, working out, cooking, cleaning, homeworking, taking care of the house, cats, laundry, dishes, seriously. Why don't we take more time for ourselves? How is it selfish to take 1 hour out of the 24 in a day just for you. An hour may seem like a lot, which I understand. Let's start at 10 minutes, 3x a day. I am an overachiever, and going to go directly for 30 solid minutes a day where my phone is off, my television and computer are off, I can listen to music, read, write, talk to God, read the Bible, pray, sit in silence, do yoga, take a hot bath, whatever it is, but take 30 minutes to do whatever it is that I want to do to relax. Daily. Maybe I won't be such a grouch if I take some me time. I know I am not the only person who feels like they spend all their lives bending to the will of other people. What they want, what will make them happy, etc. Its time to start living life for you, and not the world, which means taking care of yourself. I'm all for that.

Uncontrollable

Sometimes I get this uncontrollable anger, where its takes all I can, not to lash out. Not to yell, not to say anything, not to jump from my seat and run out of the building. Sometimes I feel so confined in this job I feel like all the screaming and kicking in the world would not suffice.

Where did my life go? Its like the past 6 years happened in 6 months. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be stuck in a cube farm at a company looking out the window and daydreaming about how smart I used to be and all the things I'd like to learn. Which is what I was doing moments before I started writing this. Now, instead of doing something about it, I'm writing - its a halfway step I'm hoping. I have the opportunity to move to Denver. I am strongly considering taking it. I have some things to pay off here, but I'm thinking within the next 6 months, if I focus and save, I'll be able to pay those things off and have money saved to move. It's time for me to do something for me. Not for Dan, not for my family, not for anyone but myself. I've spent my whole life compromising what I want and what I dream to please my family. In the long run I think they'll be happier if I do what I want to, even if it doesn't initially coincide with what they want for me. I'm not 12 anymore. Its scary, and some days I wish I was 12, so Mom and Dad could take care of me and my biggest worry would be getting my vocabulary homework done. However, wasting time dreaming of the past is something I am unwilling to do anymore. It's time to move forward. And moving forward means doing something differently. I don't know if this is what God wants for me. Our relationship is estranged, and I know that is entirely my fault. I don't know, in a week I may say, I'm staying here. But right now, my plan is to save, maybe even get a second job, pay off my debts and move.

Open honesty policy

I love reading Stuff Christians Like every day. It is written by a guy named Jon Acuff, who is satirical and witty and sarcastic, and has a unique way of approaching everyday topics. Also, he's hilarious, which is motivator enough for me to go back daily. The readers are a great group of people who are honest, heartfelt, sarcastic and witty, and makes me wish we could have an SCL convention somewhere and side hug together. There was a post that begged the question - what is one thing you can’t confess in church. What is so embarrassing or too taboo for you to admit to in church? What a broken world we live in. The answers were overwhelming, varied, and full of pain. However, people responded in a way that was very moving to me. Readers, people who have never met before, were sharing extremely personal and private details about their lives, and the only responses were ones of love. Words of encouragement, sympathy, caring and respect flooded the comments page.

What would the world be like if we could all be as open on a daily basis as we are online, on our comments page? I am not saying I am, because surely I am not. I am one of the most closed off people I’ve ever met. I hide my current struggles by focusing on past ones. Everyone knows about those already, so let’s just talk about and elaborate on those. That way the focus doesn’t have to shift to how lonely, unhappy, disgusted and disappointed I am with myself right now. The more people that read this blog, the more people will know who I am. And that mortifies me. No one else, besides my one follower, even knows this blog exists. There are certain people I would share it with, but I don’t think they even want to know the half of what I’m writing. Perhaps no one does. It is my way to cope with an unsatisfying job, a lonely life, a failing self-esteem, an all around melancholy existence. Writing is my sanity. Writing will always be a way to get things out without committing to having specific people know.

I never thought I would be 24, single, living alone, with hardly any friends to speak of. I don’t blame people for not wanting to hang out with me, I just wonder sometimes why that is. I’m not negative all the time, especially when I’m around people. I do my best to be as happy as I can muster when I’m with friends. Could it be, maybe, because I’ve gained so much weight? It’s possible, I have noted a marked difference in the amount of time my sister-in-law chooses to hang out with me, which is none, since I have become heavier. I know it is shallow, and I hope that I am completely wrong, but I have to wonder. It hurts me more than I can say that since she has started hanging out with a gal she met at work, she has completely quit calling, texting, etc. When I call her, she never answers, rarely calls back, and takes several days to respond to a text. I know that just because she’s my sister-in-law doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but at one point we were, and now we’re not, and I just don’t get it. It seems so high-school to even be thinking about it that way. In my head I’m 12, saying, well she likes Mary more than she likes me so that’s why she’s not hanging out with me anymore. Multiply that by about 15, and that’s what’s happened to my social life. I have the rare occasion of a day out with one of my closest girlfriends (my one blog follower) which I always look forward to, but happen far too far apart. I’m just not involved in anything that will garner new relationships, and a lot of my old ones I have let go simply because they were unhealthy for me. I don’t go to my church anymore…they don’t really have a target group for single 24 year old career women and I don’t exactly fit into the ‘college group’ scene…I attend classes online, I’m one of the youngest employees at my job and my other outlet is choir, where most people dislike me or couldn’t care either way about me already. Granted, my attitude has not always been the best in choir. Might be because people mock me, think I’m trying to be a diva, etc, which bothers me incredibly. So I have a big voice. So what? I’m not showing off, I’m just singing.I try to write my loneliness off as independence. I do enjoy my downtime and am completely content being by myself. Just not all the time.

This has turned into ramblings of nothingness, which I understand means I should probably stop. To sum it all up, I am missing God in my life, and Satan is rejoicing in my misery.

Death is dark.

Death is never a topic one approaches lightly. In my heart, I know that I have given my life to God and faith a thousand times over, and still fear that it is not enough. That when my time comes I will cease to exist, become nothing more than a whisper, a droplet of water in an ocean of people who came before me and will come after me. Sometimes the weight of the thought of death threatens to crush my chest, obstruct my breathing and kill me! I begin to panic, and hyperventilate. There's so much I want to do! I want to travel. I want to see the world and all its wonder. I want to help people. I want to change a life, just one. I want to fall in love, get married, have a family. I want to take beautiful pictures. I want to scuba dive. I want to improve the life of a child. I want, I want, I want. Then, well now, I guess, just now I realize, God knows what I want. He knows all of my wants. It may just be that my wants don't line up with His wants for me. Or, that the timing is just off, and my desire for instant gratification is keeping me from enjoying what I have now. Death is guaranteed. But so is life. Life in God will be a very fruitful life indeed.

How much is enough?

Ever felt like you were being pulled in a thousand different directions doing everything for other people, putting your happiness, health, hopes and dreams on hold to please other people? I've felt like that my whole life. I have a problem. I do everything to make my family happy. My friends too, yes, but mostly my family. I just don't know how to say no to people. My brother is the worst. My whole life I have looked up to him and wanted his approval. He's a very talented guy and is accomplishing his dreams. He does what he loves to do every day for work, is married and has a beautiful home and puppy. He has his share of issues, which I'm not disputing. His life is far from perfect, and I get that. However, he makes it his business to point out all of my issues in my life. He is so condescending and patronizing to me. He manipulates me to do what is best for him, and doesn't care how much it may hurt me. Or if he does, he doesn't show it. I have realized in the past 2 days that I'm really over it. I've been hurt too much by his careless ways. Everything he has done "for me" has had something that rewards him in the end. I know everyone is selfish to a degree, he just pushes the limit and crosses the line more than I think he'd ever admit. And I'm sick of it. I'm not 12 anymore, but I'm letting him push me around like we're kids fighting over the TV in the basement. Part of me really wants to just quit choir and only see him at family functions. I'm tired of being pushed around and that means I have to make a stand for myself. I need to stand up for what I believe and what I believe is that he has been a jerk to me for most of my life. I know this post is very whiny, but this is stemming from a recent experience. i.e. last night. So, perhaps I'll post later with something a little more insightful. For now, this will have to do.

Its a scary thing

Why is it such a frightening thing to care about a person? I don't mean the way we care about our friends, or our family, because in that regard caring is easy and understood and expected, to a degree. I'm talking about meeting someone, and clicking, and enjoying time with each other, sharing similar interests and passions, being able to be completely honest with each other, but being too scared to admit how incredible the time is together? Commitment has become a dirty word in our culture, and being exclusive has, somewhere along the way, turned into being restricted. I don't know when this change of views started, as I wasn't old enough to understand it. I am guessing it happened while I was in high school...when it started to become posh to be single, have multiple partners, be able to leave on a whim, being unattached means the world is your oyster. Why does it have to be that way? Why isn't it completely believable that to care about someone means to be willing to go where they go, to want them to follow their dreams and want to share that experience with them? Why do we put our feelings on hold for fear of what the future will bring? Why do we hesitate to love deeply because we don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, month, or year? I believe that is all the more reason to love deeply! Maybe I am a dreamer. Maybe I'm naive, and childish. I still believe in fairy tales, despite the horror stories that have infiltrated my life. And I still believe that my prince will come (if he hasn't already) to take me away and live happily ever after. Childish? Maybe. A little immature? Sure, that's fair. Do I care? Not in the slightest. Because its those hopes and dreams that allow me to love. And more importantly, they allow me to make myself vulnerable to be loved back.