Its time to get it all out

Has there ever been anything in your life that you thought, 'There's no way this can have this much affect on me without it staying in my life forever'? I know that's a disjointed sentence, but I'm not sure how else to say it. Music is like that for me. Strings, especially, however of all the things I learned, I never got to learn the cello like I wanted. I played a plethora of instruments my public school days. I started on piano at 3(ish). Then clarinet, then trombone. Followed by flute, piccolo, alto sax, bari sax, soprano sax, bassoon, oboe, guitar, timpani, marimba/xylophone/vibraphone, and an assortment of percussion instruments i.e. triangle, maracas, tambourine, etc. Since I sum up the three keyboard percussion instruments as one (because lets face it, when you learn how to use mallets, you can play all 3) that's a total of 13 instruments. Half of which I taught myself. AND I played all of them in a performance. That's it though. That's where my bragging rights end. I am officially the girl that peaked in high school. It was a safety net.

Don't get me wrong, I was a mess in high school. I was trying my very best to be as anorexic and/or bulemic as possible, and initially I was marginally successful at both. In the end, I was incredibly successful. I wasn't even that heavy, as most of those stories go. At this point I was probably 5'5 and maybe 120 pounds, which according to any weight chart, and any frame size, is small. I was surrounded by friends who were 4+ inches shorter than me, and I wondered why I couldn't be as thin as them. It got worse as I discovered self-mutiliation...i.e. cutting. I know initially it was for attention - its not like I was ignored at my home, but I was in the shadow of an older, much more talented brother that I made worse than it actually was. However, after I got started, it became an addiction to me. All of it. Counting calories. Purging whatever I did eat. Pretending to eat. Hiding my food. As an adult I've tried to look back and say, nah I wasn't that bad. But in reality I was a lot worse than I think I ever intended to be. I started cutting in about October of my sophomore year of high school. When I joined drumline, I knew no one. I was asked by the pit instructor to join and play timpani. I don't know how he knew who I was, maybe because my brother was in drumline before me. In drumline I made a few friends, and, with no amount of luck and all because of God's love for me, became close with two people who had more faith than anyone I had ever met. They became the best friends I could've asked for. We were inseparable for 2 years. They both realized I had a problem after our first trip out of town. I wasn't very good at hiding my anorexia and bulemia. I rarely ate, and when it was necessary, I immediately went to the bathroom after. It was pretty pathetic. I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn't stop. I ended up lying to my parents and going to a Baptist church with William, because my father grew up Catholic and would've popped a blood vessel. However, in hindsight I should've known it'd be just as dangerous to lie to him about it. In any case, going to church really helped me. And when I got caught lying, my parents realized that I could've been lying about drinking or doing drugs or having sex (which I didn't do at all in high school) and they let me explore my faith, within reason. I ended up going to a Lutheran church that the assistant band/choir director and his wife attended, and found a wonderful family and faith there. Some of my best friendships came out of the darkest time in my life. I got help with my addictions, because at that point, that's what they had become. Obsessions. Mountains in my path of life. I became a new person. I was happy. I was passionate. I was capable of anything. I became more involved in writing. In playing music. In learning. I was happiest in my life when I was surrounded by and enveloped in my faith, my God. I yearn for those days. That is my weakness. I look back and long for those relationships. I am in the present, wishing for the past, and preventing my future. I digress.

The whole point of this was to say that I know that I'm not using any of my talents. I am not even sure what my talents are anymore. I enjoy writing. Photography. Singing. I don't play any instruments anymore. Occasionally I'll play the piano at my parents' house, but my guitar sits it my 'guest room' and collects dust. It comes out for Christmas when we do carol nights, but that's really it. What does God want me to do? Does He really think that sitting in a cube all day with people who treat me as inferior and incapable is where I will be best used? I use a fraction of brain power for this job. Granted, it is easy money, but I am not challenged. I'm not making any difference. I'm not using anything that God has blessed me with in my daily living. I spend 40 hours a week in a place that takes me for granted. However, I'm locked into it with the amount of bills that I have to pay at this moment in my life. I feel stuck. I feel like my body could just burst apart with frustration, anguish, irritation, and sadness. I'm 24 years old and have nothing to show for my life. I just want to cry. Heave sobs, cry so heavily it hurts. I am tired of being strong. Of keeping the facade, of making sure that I am always happy so I don't irritate someone else. Have you ever just wanted to crumble?

I just want to crumble.