Poorly placed jealousy

Have you ever been jealous of something you have no reason to be jealous of? Logically it doesn't make sense for anyone to long for that thing? I have. I do. I struggle with misplaced jealousy all the time. Mostly for women who are deathly thin. I am jealous of their self-control. Their discipline and determination to not be fat, to conform, to look how society says they should. If I'm being completely honest here, which is my goal, then I must admit that as much as I'd like to say I'm happy with where I am and that I'd rather be a little overweight and healthy than thin and not, that's not the truth. I'd rather be unhealthy, sick even, if it meant being thin. When I try to pin down where all of these feelings started, I'm immediately drawn to my abuse as a child. When I was young, maybe 6, I had a male babysitter who watched me and my brother every Monday night, for about a year and a half. And during that time, he would take me into my room and sexually abuse me. I think that it has a direct affect on who I am and how I think and behave. Being so young, I didn't really understand the full meaning of what was happening. When I finally started going to meetings with my parents instead of staying home, they knew something was wrong and asked me why I wouldn't stay home. I remember them bribing me with Sleeping Beauty, my favorite Disney movie that we probably couldn't afford, to get me to talk to them. He was very good. He would say things to me like, if you tell anyone, we won't be friends anymore, which to a six year old is like the death sentence. Friends are all you want at that age. I told them, and that was that. No court, no police report, just, no more contact with him or his family. I didn't understand the severity of the issue, or realize that something sacred was taken away from me until I was much older. It wasn't something we ever spoke of. For all the good things my parents do and are for me, because I love them dearly and am blessed with a caring and loving family, they don't like to speak about serious issues. When I told them about my cutting and eating issues in high school, my mother got angry with me because 'I must've learned that behavior somewhere' and my father didn't really react. And we never spoke of it again. I think a lot of my issues have had to do with not being able to speak. And for a while I really resented my parents for not taking him to court, until I realized they were trying to protect me from more horrible memories as a child. They did the best they would with what they had at the time, and I appreciate it. However, I believe that the majority of my issues of self-image and self-worth and self-esteem stem from that experience. Which of course, lead to longing for things I shouldn't, and logically know are ridiculous, like looking like this:


I know its ridiculous. I know its unhealthy. I'm just jealous that they can control themselves in ways that I cannot. I used to be able to. There was a day when this was me. And now I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life. I don't have a happy, healthy medium. I am one extreme or the other.

I want to stop. I want to be happy with who I am, and with who God made me, and confide in Him for the help and motivation to take care of myself, the right way. Sometimes it is an overwhelming feeling of loss of control. I don't want to be jealous of these girls anymore. I know men who look at ultra-thin women like them and are instantly repulsed. They say they enjoy women who look healthy, who are more heavy than more thin. However, pornography and films show that the majority of men do not feel that way. I don't want to be of the world anymore, I just don't know how not to be.