Unsure

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this blog will be. I just know that I struggle with a lot of things I'm sure other people struggle with as well. And maybe if I voice what I'm dealing with, people will be able to relate, and just maybe we'll be able to learn from each other.

I realize more now than ever that I am an extremely jealous person. Jealous of my brother and his success, of my mother and her weight loss, my father and his education, of all my friends who are thinner than I am, by no fault of their own, and who have done nothing wrong to me, of any woman who speaks to any man that I may be interested in, or any woman that any man I may be interested in speaks to, of people who love their jobs, of people who have lost weight, who have no money troubles, who are engaged/married/having babies...I think that sums up pretty much everyone in my life. Its not fair of me to feel that way towards them, they're just doing what they should. I am the one to blame for my lack of motivation to finish school, find a better career, lose weight, take control of my money, etc.

I feel like right now, in my life, God is waving a big red flag at me saying HEY! Hey I'm still here, I'm loving you and waiting for you to come back to Me. Once you do, you know things will steadily get better, because I will be with you, and I will take care of you. All you have to do is come back.

My foolish sinful pride isn't the only thing keeping me from returning to Him and accepting His forgiveness, but its a huge part. Shame, fear, embarrassment, all unfounded because God doesn't keep a scorecard. Unfathomable to me that He can forgive me time and again for the mistakes I've made repeatedly. Its like the 'beating a dead horse' analogy, which is quite grotesque if you think about it, however it fits here. How many times am I going to be forgiven for the same things before God comes back and says nope, you used up your last chance. Nice try, we'll see you later. The amazing part is, I know He will never say that. I just have to get over myself and admit that I have been wrong, I have messed up, take responsibility for my actions, and acknowledge that I am incapable of handling things on my own. That takes humility, and until recently I have been unwilling or unable to humble myself. I find now that humility is grace, its cloaked sure, but its there. How bout a healthy dose of humility today?