Falling Back

I find myself falling into the same feelings I've fallen back into so many times before. I realize that now, which is progress, when before I would deny it. Seeing how long I can go between meals. Being satisfied that my stomach is grumbling and I still keep from filling it. Counting every calorie. Filling myself with water, unsweetened tea, black coffee and diet soda. Zero calories. Full stomach. My weight is at an all time high. I yo-yo back and forth between binge eating because I'm stressed or confused about life, and then micromanaging my food and nearly starving myself to gain control of an otherwise 'out of control' situation, whether it really is, or that is my perception does not matter. I have a man in my life who is amazing. He is understanding, and supportive, and determined to show me how confident and beautiful and intelligent I am without worrying about the number on a scale. No one knows the extent of my relapse. I don't really count it as a relapse anyway, because I am still eating. My worst day was Friday. I had a quarter of a chicken enchilada around 4:30. Diet coke, coffee, water, wine, and a snifter of Jack Daniels at a buddy's house. I'm trying to figure it out and come back to normalcy with it. However, its really easy to rejoice in the wrong things.

I know what I need to do, and logically I know what I'm doing makes absolutely no sense. However, my finances are spinning out of control, my weight is already out of control, I'm head over heels for a man in my life who I know shares my affection but is moving, and doesn't know when, which means the relationship aspect is out of my control, I want to quit smoking but it will make me gain more weight, I hate my job but need the money, so I cannot change, and for all those things, I panic and think, well fine. I'm going to get some semblance of control and order back in my life. How? Food. I think just getting all of this out helps. It makes me realize that what I'm doing is ridiculous, and there are better, healthier ways to deal with my issues. I just don't know how to go about doing them.

I went to church and, ironically enough, after reading http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com all week last week, service was about the Prodigal's Son. Pretty incredible. I've tried talking to God more, but I feel awkward. I know He's not laughing at me or judging me, but I feel like if I were Him I would be. Which is why He's so amazing, and I cannot grasp his immense love and grace. I'm struggling, I guess is what I'm saying. I put on a good front, and yes, there are lots of things in my life that are good. But there are a lot of things in my life that could be better also.