Change

Life is crazy isn't it? I miss God in my life. It's my fault I don't spend as much time with Him as I should. I hate my job - I hate working nights and missing time with my family. I hate that I waste money on things that I really don't need. I hate that I am always the one to give of myself and when I choose to finally take a stand, I'm punished for it by the ones closest to me. I've been sick, since Christmas, and I hate that I can't get better. It is so easy to complain. I complain here because, I have no one who will just let me complain, and get it out. I feel like I am always the strong one, the one who has to have it together all the time. The fixer. I feel like if something is wrong in my friend's life or my family's life that I should be the one to make it right, and that just is not the case. A wise man told me that I need to start being selfish, and take care of myself too. My father told me I had to stop living my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do. I wept. That's been my entire life. I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy. I don't even know what would make me happy because I haven't take the time to stop and think about it. I know writing, taking pictures, and music make me happy. I don't know what that means for me, but its a start I suppose. I know Pete makes me happy, but he's my friend, and it appears he always will be. Just my friend. I'm ok with that. I long to be a wife and mother. I believe I'd be a good mom. I just don't know what to do right now to make myself happy. I'm looking for a new job. That's my start. Praying and reading the Bible would probably help too. I'm just sad in general. There are things in my life that make me happy, but mostly, I'm just sad.