On the surface

Looking through people's blogs I find that my blog name is neither creative nor witty. Which isn't necessarily an accurate reflection of me, because I usually try to (and succeed at) being creative and witty. Sometimes at the same time. It makes me wonder, if I had a catchier blog name, would people actually read what I'm writing? And if people actually read what I'm writing, will it be beneficial to them? Will they be able to relate? We live in such a self-consumed world now anyway that I don't want this blog to be another narcissistic venue in my life. I enjoy writing. It is a way to be who I am. To look back at times in my life when I was broken, sad, happy, in love, angry, and to see how I have grown. As a person, and as a writer. Not that I think I'm an incredible writer now. But I'm light-years ahead of where I was. And yes, I just made that reference. Keep your grumbles to a minimum, it seemed appropriate.

Has there ever been a time in your life where you knew that no one in your social circle knew everything about you? I am having one of those times in my life. I know that of all the people that I know, no one knows the seriousness of my financial state. Or my mental self-loathing. People may have a general idea that I'm struggling with money, and most people know I'm unhappy with my appearance. The only one I can cry out to in complete honesty is God. I've had moments in my life like this before, and tried to do it alone. It is impossible. It became such a burden for me to carry, I broke under the pressure. I fell back into sin, into casual sex and binge drinking. Looking, scrambling for any sort of acceptance, of acknowledgment that I was worth something, and finding falseness everywhere I looked. I knew where to go to find peace, and I didn't. I was stubborn, foolish, prideful, arrogant, all of the above. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, that I couldn't do it on my own, and take responsibility for all of the brokenness I created.

I have two cats. Their names are Lily and Nico. (Trust me, this has relevance I swear.) Nico is my small, spry, black, stealth ninja cat. She slinks around the house and sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Hops on the back of the couch, the kitchen counter, even opens the door to the bathroom. She's a ninja, I mean it. She has her moments, usually right when I get home and when I go to bed, when she wants attention. But normally she's ok on her own. Lily is my big, overweight, lazy, cute cuddly cat. She will take love from anyone. She has a habit of sleeping on her back with her legs splayed awkwardly that makes company question her sanity. Its ok, she does that all the time. On occasion, I'll be at home with my laptop, lying on the couch reading or writing, and she will jump onto my chest out of nowhere. She will nuzzle up under my arms, forcing my computer back, and rub her head against my face. If I get a phone call or text message and try to respond, she interferes. Basically makes me stop everything that I'm doing and pay attention to her. Its cute, and I appreciate the love, but sometimes its incredibly inconvenient.

Sometimes I think God is like that. At some point, He starts to pull at your heart, and eventually He gets right in your face and says something like 'Hey, I'm here. I've been waiting for you to come back to Me, and I think now is a good time for you to stop what you're doing and pay attention.' That happened last night, in regards to my previous post. After I read that and posted, Lily got cuddly and made me put my computer down. I thought to myself, well if that's not the biggest sign to take some quiet time and listen to God, I don't know what is. I can't describe what I felt last night. Immense pressure on my chest and an uncontrollable stream of tears. No, it wasn't a heart attack, or Lily. It wasn't an uncomfortable pressure, just a sensation of ease, even in the throes of breaking apart at the seams.

I don't know what the point of all this is. I just plan on continuing to listen, to learn, to grow, and live in His grace. I know I will never be the person I'm supposed to be without His help. Its getting over myself to ask that will continue to be the struggle.

Unsure

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this blog will be. I just know that I struggle with a lot of things I'm sure other people struggle with as well. And maybe if I voice what I'm dealing with, people will be able to relate, and just maybe we'll be able to learn from each other.

I realize more now than ever that I am an extremely jealous person. Jealous of my brother and his success, of my mother and her weight loss, my father and his education, of all my friends who are thinner than I am, by no fault of their own, and who have done nothing wrong to me, of any woman who speaks to any man that I may be interested in, or any woman that any man I may be interested in speaks to, of people who love their jobs, of people who have lost weight, who have no money troubles, who are engaged/married/having babies...I think that sums up pretty much everyone in my life. Its not fair of me to feel that way towards them, they're just doing what they should. I am the one to blame for my lack of motivation to finish school, find a better career, lose weight, take control of my money, etc.

I feel like right now, in my life, God is waving a big red flag at me saying HEY! Hey I'm still here, I'm loving you and waiting for you to come back to Me. Once you do, you know things will steadily get better, because I will be with you, and I will take care of you. All you have to do is come back.

My foolish sinful pride isn't the only thing keeping me from returning to Him and accepting His forgiveness, but its a huge part. Shame, fear, embarrassment, all unfounded because God doesn't keep a scorecard. Unfathomable to me that He can forgive me time and again for the mistakes I've made repeatedly. Its like the 'beating a dead horse' analogy, which is quite grotesque if you think about it, however it fits here. How many times am I going to be forgiven for the same things before God comes back and says nope, you used up your last chance. Nice try, we'll see you later. The amazing part is, I know He will never say that. I just have to get over myself and admit that I have been wrong, I have messed up, take responsibility for my actions, and acknowledge that I am incapable of handling things on my own. That takes humility, and until recently I have been unwilling or unable to humble myself. I find now that humility is grace, its cloaked sure, but its there. How bout a healthy dose of humility today?