On the surface

Looking through people's blogs I find that my blog name is neither creative nor witty. Which isn't necessarily an accurate reflection of me, because I usually try to (and succeed at) being creative and witty. Sometimes at the same time. It makes me wonder, if I had a catchier blog name, would people actually read what I'm writing? And if people actually read what I'm writing, will it be beneficial to them? Will they be able to relate? We live in such a self-consumed world now anyway that I don't want this blog to be another narcissistic venue in my life. I enjoy writing. It is a way to be who I am. To look back at times in my life when I was broken, sad, happy, in love, angry, and to see how I have grown. As a person, and as a writer. Not that I think I'm an incredible writer now. But I'm light-years ahead of where I was. And yes, I just made that reference. Keep your grumbles to a minimum, it seemed appropriate.

Has there ever been a time in your life where you knew that no one in your social circle knew everything about you? I am having one of those times in my life. I know that of all the people that I know, no one knows the seriousness of my financial state. Or my mental self-loathing. People may have a general idea that I'm struggling with money, and most people know I'm unhappy with my appearance. The only one I can cry out to in complete honesty is God. I've had moments in my life like this before, and tried to do it alone. It is impossible. It became such a burden for me to carry, I broke under the pressure. I fell back into sin, into casual sex and binge drinking. Looking, scrambling for any sort of acceptance, of acknowledgment that I was worth something, and finding falseness everywhere I looked. I knew where to go to find peace, and I didn't. I was stubborn, foolish, prideful, arrogant, all of the above. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, that I couldn't do it on my own, and take responsibility for all of the brokenness I created.

I have two cats. Their names are Lily and Nico. (Trust me, this has relevance I swear.) Nico is my small, spry, black, stealth ninja cat. She slinks around the house and sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Hops on the back of the couch, the kitchen counter, even opens the door to the bathroom. She's a ninja, I mean it. She has her moments, usually right when I get home and when I go to bed, when she wants attention. But normally she's ok on her own. Lily is my big, overweight, lazy, cute cuddly cat. She will take love from anyone. She has a habit of sleeping on her back with her legs splayed awkwardly that makes company question her sanity. Its ok, she does that all the time. On occasion, I'll be at home with my laptop, lying on the couch reading or writing, and she will jump onto my chest out of nowhere. She will nuzzle up under my arms, forcing my computer back, and rub her head against my face. If I get a phone call or text message and try to respond, she interferes. Basically makes me stop everything that I'm doing and pay attention to her. Its cute, and I appreciate the love, but sometimes its incredibly inconvenient.

Sometimes I think God is like that. At some point, He starts to pull at your heart, and eventually He gets right in your face and says something like 'Hey, I'm here. I've been waiting for you to come back to Me, and I think now is a good time for you to stop what you're doing and pay attention.' That happened last night, in regards to my previous post. After I read that and posted, Lily got cuddly and made me put my computer down. I thought to myself, well if that's not the biggest sign to take some quiet time and listen to God, I don't know what is. I can't describe what I felt last night. Immense pressure on my chest and an uncontrollable stream of tears. No, it wasn't a heart attack, or Lily. It wasn't an uncomfortable pressure, just a sensation of ease, even in the throes of breaking apart at the seams.

I don't know what the point of all this is. I just plan on continuing to listen, to learn, to grow, and live in His grace. I know I will never be the person I'm supposed to be without His help. Its getting over myself to ask that will continue to be the struggle.

The Mirror of God

And just when I was going to bed, when I thought my day was over, I read a friends blog, and this is what she had posted for the day.

From the book “Who Calls Me Beautiful?”

Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image. Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens, and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are Mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are My pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of My hand. I love you even in the face of your failure. Nothing you say or do can cause Me to stop loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you. Run from Me - I will love you. Spurn Me - I will love you. Reject yourself - I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you - heart, mind, and body. You are My desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours.

I haven't cried, felt God pressing on my heart, as much as in that moment. He wanted me to see how silly my previous post was. How could I think He would not forgive me? To see it put the way it was put above, about how much care and time and love was taken to create me, as much as I may hate myself, I'm hating what God created, and even in that, He still loves me. That's the most impacting line to me, because I do it every day.

When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours.

Who am I to question what God has made? I can take care of it a little better, maybe love it a little more, but not hate it. Because God made me. I am already His Beloved. What more could I ever ask for?

Falling Back

I find myself falling into the same feelings I've fallen back into so many times before. I realize that now, which is progress, when before I would deny it. Seeing how long I can go between meals. Being satisfied that my stomach is grumbling and I still keep from filling it. Counting every calorie. Filling myself with water, unsweetened tea, black coffee and diet soda. Zero calories. Full stomach. My weight is at an all time high. I yo-yo back and forth between binge eating because I'm stressed or confused about life, and then micromanaging my food and nearly starving myself to gain control of an otherwise 'out of control' situation, whether it really is, or that is my perception does not matter. I have a man in my life who is amazing. He is understanding, and supportive, and determined to show me how confident and beautiful and intelligent I am without worrying about the number on a scale. No one knows the extent of my relapse. I don't really count it as a relapse anyway, because I am still eating. My worst day was Friday. I had a quarter of a chicken enchilada around 4:30. Diet coke, coffee, water, wine, and a snifter of Jack Daniels at a buddy's house. I'm trying to figure it out and come back to normalcy with it. However, its really easy to rejoice in the wrong things.

I know what I need to do, and logically I know what I'm doing makes absolutely no sense. However, my finances are spinning out of control, my weight is already out of control, I'm head over heels for a man in my life who I know shares my affection but is moving, and doesn't know when, which means the relationship aspect is out of my control, I want to quit smoking but it will make me gain more weight, I hate my job but need the money, so I cannot change, and for all those things, I panic and think, well fine. I'm going to get some semblance of control and order back in my life. How? Food. I think just getting all of this out helps. It makes me realize that what I'm doing is ridiculous, and there are better, healthier ways to deal with my issues. I just don't know how to go about doing them.

I went to church and, ironically enough, after reading http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com all week last week, service was about the Prodigal's Son. Pretty incredible. I've tried talking to God more, but I feel awkward. I know He's not laughing at me or judging me, but I feel like if I were Him I would be. Which is why He's so amazing, and I cannot grasp his immense love and grace. I'm struggling, I guess is what I'm saying. I put on a good front, and yes, there are lots of things in my life that are good. But there are a lot of things in my life that could be better also.