Open honesty policy

I love reading Stuff Christians Like every day. It is written by a guy named Jon Acuff, who is satirical and witty and sarcastic, and has a unique way of approaching everyday topics. Also, he's hilarious, which is motivator enough for me to go back daily. The readers are a great group of people who are honest, heartfelt, sarcastic and witty, and makes me wish we could have an SCL convention somewhere and side hug together. There was a post that begged the question - what is one thing you can’t confess in church. What is so embarrassing or too taboo for you to admit to in church? What a broken world we live in. The answers were overwhelming, varied, and full of pain. However, people responded in a way that was very moving to me. Readers, people who have never met before, were sharing extremely personal and private details about their lives, and the only responses were ones of love. Words of encouragement, sympathy, caring and respect flooded the comments page.

What would the world be like if we could all be as open on a daily basis as we are online, on our comments page? I am not saying I am, because surely I am not. I am one of the most closed off people I’ve ever met. I hide my current struggles by focusing on past ones. Everyone knows about those already, so let’s just talk about and elaborate on those. That way the focus doesn’t have to shift to how lonely, unhappy, disgusted and disappointed I am with myself right now. The more people that read this blog, the more people will know who I am. And that mortifies me. No one else, besides my one follower, even knows this blog exists. There are certain people I would share it with, but I don’t think they even want to know the half of what I’m writing. Perhaps no one does. It is my way to cope with an unsatisfying job, a lonely life, a failing self-esteem, an all around melancholy existence. Writing is my sanity. Writing will always be a way to get things out without committing to having specific people know.

I never thought I would be 24, single, living alone, with hardly any friends to speak of. I don’t blame people for not wanting to hang out with me, I just wonder sometimes why that is. I’m not negative all the time, especially when I’m around people. I do my best to be as happy as I can muster when I’m with friends. Could it be, maybe, because I’ve gained so much weight? It’s possible, I have noted a marked difference in the amount of time my sister-in-law chooses to hang out with me, which is none, since I have become heavier. I know it is shallow, and I hope that I am completely wrong, but I have to wonder. It hurts me more than I can say that since she has started hanging out with a gal she met at work, she has completely quit calling, texting, etc. When I call her, she never answers, rarely calls back, and takes several days to respond to a text. I know that just because she’s my sister-in-law doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but at one point we were, and now we’re not, and I just don’t get it. It seems so high-school to even be thinking about it that way. In my head I’m 12, saying, well she likes Mary more than she likes me so that’s why she’s not hanging out with me anymore. Multiply that by about 15, and that’s what’s happened to my social life. I have the rare occasion of a day out with one of my closest girlfriends (my one blog follower) which I always look forward to, but happen far too far apart. I’m just not involved in anything that will garner new relationships, and a lot of my old ones I have let go simply because they were unhealthy for me. I don’t go to my church anymore…they don’t really have a target group for single 24 year old career women and I don’t exactly fit into the ‘college group’ scene…I attend classes online, I’m one of the youngest employees at my job and my other outlet is choir, where most people dislike me or couldn’t care either way about me already. Granted, my attitude has not always been the best in choir. Might be because people mock me, think I’m trying to be a diva, etc, which bothers me incredibly. So I have a big voice. So what? I’m not showing off, I’m just singing.I try to write my loneliness off as independence. I do enjoy my downtime and am completely content being by myself. Just not all the time.

This has turned into ramblings of nothingness, which I understand means I should probably stop. To sum it all up, I am missing God in my life, and Satan is rejoicing in my misery.

Unsure

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this blog will be. I just know that I struggle with a lot of things I'm sure other people struggle with as well. And maybe if I voice what I'm dealing with, people will be able to relate, and just maybe we'll be able to learn from each other.

I realize more now than ever that I am an extremely jealous person. Jealous of my brother and his success, of my mother and her weight loss, my father and his education, of all my friends who are thinner than I am, by no fault of their own, and who have done nothing wrong to me, of any woman who speaks to any man that I may be interested in, or any woman that any man I may be interested in speaks to, of people who love their jobs, of people who have lost weight, who have no money troubles, who are engaged/married/having babies...I think that sums up pretty much everyone in my life. Its not fair of me to feel that way towards them, they're just doing what they should. I am the one to blame for my lack of motivation to finish school, find a better career, lose weight, take control of my money, etc.

I feel like right now, in my life, God is waving a big red flag at me saying HEY! Hey I'm still here, I'm loving you and waiting for you to come back to Me. Once you do, you know things will steadily get better, because I will be with you, and I will take care of you. All you have to do is come back.

My foolish sinful pride isn't the only thing keeping me from returning to Him and accepting His forgiveness, but its a huge part. Shame, fear, embarrassment, all unfounded because God doesn't keep a scorecard. Unfathomable to me that He can forgive me time and again for the mistakes I've made repeatedly. Its like the 'beating a dead horse' analogy, which is quite grotesque if you think about it, however it fits here. How many times am I going to be forgiven for the same things before God comes back and says nope, you used up your last chance. Nice try, we'll see you later. The amazing part is, I know He will never say that. I just have to get over myself and admit that I have been wrong, I have messed up, take responsibility for my actions, and acknowledge that I am incapable of handling things on my own. That takes humility, and until recently I have been unwilling or unable to humble myself. I find now that humility is grace, its cloaked sure, but its there. How bout a healthy dose of humility today?