I just need a title

I read something on stuffchristianslike.net that hit home for me. Serious Wednesdays (of course) always get to me, and he said this:

"We love a comeback. There is something deep and true inside us that wakes up when we come into the presence of a person who is making a comeback. But something strange happens when we are the ones in need of the comeback. Something peculiar happens when we are the ones who have fallen and broken relationships and failed in our opportunities.

We start to believe that God does not love comebacks.

We start to believe that when He sees us wallowing in our mistakes, when He looks down at our sin and grossness and wretched failure, that He wants to turn His back. We start to believe that we’ve got to fix ourselves first. We’ve got to distance ourselves from Him so that we can get our lives in order before we get close to him again. We start to believe He is not rooting for our comeback.

I think that is wrong.

I think that is a lie.

I think God is an even bigger fan of comebacks than we are.

I think God loves the comeback."

To read the whole post click here

I cried!! Sitting at my desk at work, I felt relieved, and a little silly, because I should've known that. It is easy to forget, especially when you're surrounded by people and things that remind you of all the negative things in your life. I have an addictive personality. I know that I have the tendency to get addicted to anything. You name it, its possible. Cigarettes, drugs, attention, prescription pills, food, working out, anything. I tend to take everything and obsess on it. Including my failures. My faults. My sins. My flaws flash like neon signs, making everyone (or maybe just me) focus on all of those things. There are plenty. I have blatantly ignored God. I have known that at times He has spoken to me and I chose to ignore Him. I know I'm not the only one, but it makes me ashamed. And then that shame leads to guilt, and then fear, fear of being rejected if I do go back. But then, I read things in the Bible and things like Jon's blog, and am reminded of who God really is, and have hope. I am broken, and unhappy, and there are a lot of things in my life that need to change. My relationship with my God will be slow and steady, but I believe He is here for me. I believe He knew right when I would decide to come back. I got into a discussion about the existence of God, why I believe He existed, the way he has worked in my life, and made a couple people really consider what I was saying. I even admitted I hadn't been a practicing Christian for several years. That didn't mean I wasn't still a believer, and it didn't mean that God loved me any less. In that discussion I was not speaking. God was speaking through me. He used me as an instrument to speak to those people. The only reason I think that is because I didn't get defensive or angry like I usually do when people attack my belief in God. It was a calm, logical discussion. I just realized that just now, writing this. Maybe there is hope for me after all...

God wins

Ya know, I've strayed away from this for a few days and I think it gave me time to reorient myself. This is a great tool for me to be honest and get things out of my head but, it is also intended to fetter out what I'm trying to do with my life. Following God used to be incredibly easy for me, but as of late it has been harder to swallow my pride and admit that He has the best plan for me. Anyone who reads this and prays, if you could pray for me, that'd be greatly appreciated. Because I can't figure it out. I have strong feelings that I'm not supposed to be in this line of work anymore. the pain in my wrists and hands is immense, and my dislike for the job outweighs anything else. I don't believe that God wants us to struggle through life, settling for mediocrity because its what pays the bills. I believe that He wants us to flourish and blossom and grow into wonderful, vivid, awe-inspiring yet humble people who are using the best of their abilities to further Him and to enrich lives. I just don't know how to get there.

It is what it is

I don't even know what I want to write today. Work has been chaotic for the past 2 weeks - month end is always a nightmare but this is something else. I have corrective jaw surgery looming in my future, among other things, and every day my hands hurt more after work than the day before. Out of (H)ungry (A)ngry, (L)onely, (T)ired, I'm always at least 2 of those. Not a good average. Something HAS to change, and I'm the only one who can do it. It just seems so monumental that I don't know if it'll EVER happen. Fingers crossed. Maybe I should pray. Hmm.

Relaxing

Does anyone know what it is to relax anymore? I certainly don't. Wish I did! Stressful days at work, putting in overtime, working out, cooking, cleaning, homeworking, taking care of the house, cats, laundry, dishes, seriously. Why don't we take more time for ourselves? How is it selfish to take 1 hour out of the 24 in a day just for you. An hour may seem like a lot, which I understand. Let's start at 10 minutes, 3x a day. I am an overachiever, and going to go directly for 30 solid minutes a day where my phone is off, my television and computer are off, I can listen to music, read, write, talk to God, read the Bible, pray, sit in silence, do yoga, take a hot bath, whatever it is, but take 30 minutes to do whatever it is that I want to do to relax. Daily. Maybe I won't be such a grouch if I take some me time. I know I am not the only person who feels like they spend all their lives bending to the will of other people. What they want, what will make them happy, etc. Its time to start living life for you, and not the world, which means taking care of yourself. I'm all for that.

Uncontrollable

Sometimes I get this uncontrollable anger, where its takes all I can, not to lash out. Not to yell, not to say anything, not to jump from my seat and run out of the building. Sometimes I feel so confined in this job I feel like all the screaming and kicking in the world would not suffice.

Where did my life go? Its like the past 6 years happened in 6 months. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be stuck in a cube farm at a company looking out the window and daydreaming about how smart I used to be and all the things I'd like to learn. Which is what I was doing moments before I started writing this. Now, instead of doing something about it, I'm writing - its a halfway step I'm hoping. I have the opportunity to move to Denver. I am strongly considering taking it. I have some things to pay off here, but I'm thinking within the next 6 months, if I focus and save, I'll be able to pay those things off and have money saved to move. It's time for me to do something for me. Not for Dan, not for my family, not for anyone but myself. I've spent my whole life compromising what I want and what I dream to please my family. In the long run I think they'll be happier if I do what I want to, even if it doesn't initially coincide with what they want for me. I'm not 12 anymore. Its scary, and some days I wish I was 12, so Mom and Dad could take care of me and my biggest worry would be getting my vocabulary homework done. However, wasting time dreaming of the past is something I am unwilling to do anymore. It's time to move forward. And moving forward means doing something differently. I don't know if this is what God wants for me. Our relationship is estranged, and I know that is entirely my fault. I don't know, in a week I may say, I'm staying here. But right now, my plan is to save, maybe even get a second job, pay off my debts and move.

Open honesty policy

I love reading Stuff Christians Like every day. It is written by a guy named Jon Acuff, who is satirical and witty and sarcastic, and has a unique way of approaching everyday topics. Also, he's hilarious, which is motivator enough for me to go back daily. The readers are a great group of people who are honest, heartfelt, sarcastic and witty, and makes me wish we could have an SCL convention somewhere and side hug together. There was a post that begged the question - what is one thing you can’t confess in church. What is so embarrassing or too taboo for you to admit to in church? What a broken world we live in. The answers were overwhelming, varied, and full of pain. However, people responded in a way that was very moving to me. Readers, people who have never met before, were sharing extremely personal and private details about their lives, and the only responses were ones of love. Words of encouragement, sympathy, caring and respect flooded the comments page.

What would the world be like if we could all be as open on a daily basis as we are online, on our comments page? I am not saying I am, because surely I am not. I am one of the most closed off people I’ve ever met. I hide my current struggles by focusing on past ones. Everyone knows about those already, so let’s just talk about and elaborate on those. That way the focus doesn’t have to shift to how lonely, unhappy, disgusted and disappointed I am with myself right now. The more people that read this blog, the more people will know who I am. And that mortifies me. No one else, besides my one follower, even knows this blog exists. There are certain people I would share it with, but I don’t think they even want to know the half of what I’m writing. Perhaps no one does. It is my way to cope with an unsatisfying job, a lonely life, a failing self-esteem, an all around melancholy existence. Writing is my sanity. Writing will always be a way to get things out without committing to having specific people know.

I never thought I would be 24, single, living alone, with hardly any friends to speak of. I don’t blame people for not wanting to hang out with me, I just wonder sometimes why that is. I’m not negative all the time, especially when I’m around people. I do my best to be as happy as I can muster when I’m with friends. Could it be, maybe, because I’ve gained so much weight? It’s possible, I have noted a marked difference in the amount of time my sister-in-law chooses to hang out with me, which is none, since I have become heavier. I know it is shallow, and I hope that I am completely wrong, but I have to wonder. It hurts me more than I can say that since she has started hanging out with a gal she met at work, she has completely quit calling, texting, etc. When I call her, she never answers, rarely calls back, and takes several days to respond to a text. I know that just because she’s my sister-in-law doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but at one point we were, and now we’re not, and I just don’t get it. It seems so high-school to even be thinking about it that way. In my head I’m 12, saying, well she likes Mary more than she likes me so that’s why she’s not hanging out with me anymore. Multiply that by about 15, and that’s what’s happened to my social life. I have the rare occasion of a day out with one of my closest girlfriends (my one blog follower) which I always look forward to, but happen far too far apart. I’m just not involved in anything that will garner new relationships, and a lot of my old ones I have let go simply because they were unhealthy for me. I don’t go to my church anymore…they don’t really have a target group for single 24 year old career women and I don’t exactly fit into the ‘college group’ scene…I attend classes online, I’m one of the youngest employees at my job and my other outlet is choir, where most people dislike me or couldn’t care either way about me already. Granted, my attitude has not always been the best in choir. Might be because people mock me, think I’m trying to be a diva, etc, which bothers me incredibly. So I have a big voice. So what? I’m not showing off, I’m just singing.I try to write my loneliness off as independence. I do enjoy my downtime and am completely content being by myself. Just not all the time.

This has turned into ramblings of nothingness, which I understand means I should probably stop. To sum it all up, I am missing God in my life, and Satan is rejoicing in my misery.