Change

Looks like I'll be living in my own apartment here in about 2 days. I'd say half my stuff is at the apt and half is still at the house. I wish I had a truck. I'll be renting a U-Haul on Thursday and hoping that Jon will help me move things. The big stuff (tv, couches, bed) are the ones that i need the most at the apt, and the hardest to move. GAH! I'm sick of living out of two places!

Its Wednesday

So - I had a job interview last week. For a position in Hagerstown, Maryland. I'm pretty excited about it, and I hope that I get it. For numerous reasons, one being that its somewhere new, and I need new. Two, that its on the east coast, which I love. It is rich in history. Three, I'll be independent. If I don't get the job in Maryland, I'll be moving into an apartment close to work, and have my parents sell or rent the house out or do whatever it is they want to do. I'll pay my own rent and my own bills and everything. Car insurance, utilities, all of it. I'll be a little tight on expenses for a while, but I don't care, because I'm tired of being dependent on my parents. I love them for it, but I'm 24 years old. I should be able to make it on my own. My brother is currently not speaking to me because I refused to move in with his wife while he is away in grad school. The deciding factor for me, more than anything else, was that I didn't want to be the fixer anymore. The convenient excuse was that I love and adore my kitties and I would have to get rid of them because of their dog Koda. My brother argued with me, saying that I was considering getting rid of the cats before (which I was, a year ago, right after Kris and I broke up, b/c we got them together) and when I told him that I wasn't going to do it, he hung up on me. That was January 30th. It is now February 17th, and the communication we have had since the 30th was yesterday. It went like this. Him: "Do you have a cell for Pete B? Need him to bid some repair work at home." Me: "Yeah. 402-555-5555" Him: "Thanks" Me: "You're welcome." That's it. All business. I talk with his wife more than him. It hurts, but I'm not going to be submissive to him anymore. He needs to apologize to me before things will get better, and if he doesn't, well, I guess some siblings don't get along in life. Maybe we're not meant to either. I know it hurts my family that we fight but, they are always telling me to stick up for myself and do what I need to do for me so, this is what it takes.

Change

Life is crazy isn't it? I miss God in my life. It's my fault I don't spend as much time with Him as I should. I hate my job - I hate working nights and missing time with my family. I hate that I waste money on things that I really don't need. I hate that I am always the one to give of myself and when I choose to finally take a stand, I'm punished for it by the ones closest to me. I've been sick, since Christmas, and I hate that I can't get better. It is so easy to complain. I complain here because, I have no one who will just let me complain, and get it out. I feel like I am always the strong one, the one who has to have it together all the time. The fixer. I feel like if something is wrong in my friend's life or my family's life that I should be the one to make it right, and that just is not the case. A wise man told me that I need to start being selfish, and take care of myself too. My father told me I had to stop living my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do. I wept. That's been my entire life. I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone else happy. I don't even know what would make me happy because I haven't take the time to stop and think about it. I know writing, taking pictures, and music make me happy. I don't know what that means for me, but its a start I suppose. I know Pete makes me happy, but he's my friend, and it appears he always will be. Just my friend. I'm ok with that. I long to be a wife and mother. I believe I'd be a good mom. I just don't know what to do right now to make myself happy. I'm looking for a new job. That's my start. Praying and reading the Bible would probably help too. I'm just sad in general. There are things in my life that make me happy, but mostly, I'm just sad.

Life

My life is crazy. Tanya and Jon have moved into an apartment, and almost all of their stuff is out of my house. I made sure of that yesterday, when I had to help move their bed because of Tanya's back. Anyway I'm thrilled to have my house back, it feels good. Pete and I have not painted yet, but I don't think I'm going to Denver this week, so maybe we'll get started.

So, about Denver. I have a throbbing pounding migraine right now, I'm still coughing, and I don't want to go out of town to visit everyone when I'm sick. I have canceled my flight, so either I'm going to get my money back, if the people at the home office feel generous on Monday morning. Or, I'll have a credit of whatever the amount was at Southwest, which would be fine because I'm going to end up going to Denver at some point anyway.

I may move in with my sister-in-law when my brother leaves for school. I am not fond of this idea, however, she can't move in with me, the fence is too short for Koda - he'd jump it in a heartbeat. Her house is just further away, and as much as I love her dearly, I don't do well with roommates. I need my own space. Sadly, my mom is gung-ho about the idea too...I'm sure because she'll rent the house I'm in now out to someone for more money. They are cutting me a huge deal and I understand that, so maybe they'll sell it. I don't know. But I like my house. And once Pete and I paint, I'm going to like it so much more. And, if I move in with her, I have to get rid of my kitties. I'm not sure I can do that. I love my kitties. I don't know - maybe they'll figure something out and won't ask. My sis-in-law says there's no pressure, but I know that if me moving in with her is the best idea, my brother will be a persistent jerk about it until I say yes. I HATE being a pushover.

On a much happier, much more exciting note...I'm going to Gettysburg in March to meet all my PRS/AGH friends, meet the cast of Paranormal State, and do a little paranormal investigating. There are workshops and everything, and I'm meeting Jasmine at the airport and we're riding to Gettysburg from there together. I'm extremely excited about this, I can't put it into words. All of these people I talk to are so awesome and grounded and fun and they're all excited to see that I'm coming. I can't wait to meet them all and have a great weekend! It was just a spur of the moment decision I made, and I haven't had something to look forward to that I was this excited about in a very long time. My sister-in-law was so proud of me that I just made the decision to do something for myself, and did it, not caring what anyone thought about my choices. I'm 24, I'm an adult, I can make my own choices with my finances. So, I did.

I have a horrible migraine, and I'm still at work so I'm going to stop typing now.

Faith

Since this has nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I'll add it first, instead of as a p.s. I have been struggling with eating lately. Being sick has not helped, but my lack of appetite is alarming. I don't want to eat, its not that I'm not hungry, its just that I have no desire to eat. Sometimes I feel sick, and the thought of eating makes me physically ill. I don't know what that means, but let me continue. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been praying occasionally, usually for other people, but I pray for sleep sometimes too. I feel dizzy and light-headed, sometimes like I'm going to pass out. And I'm still coughing like crazy. Something is still wrong with me, very wrong, but my doctor just writes me off. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it all.

Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.

The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.

Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.

Christmas

I love this time of year. I can't wait for Christmas - spending time with the family, being happy when people enjoy the gifts I got them, etc. One of my favorite things in the world is spending time with my family, and I don't get to do it very often anymore. I'm so ready to be done with work for a while, however, i am 10 pages into a story, that will probably only be for myself, but has been fun to write all the same. The weather is supposed to get dicey here in the big O, but probably not until Wednesday night. I know I'll be crashing at the parent's house on Thursday, but I think I'll stay home on Wednesday. Actually I think that's when everyone is getting together to see Myra and Jason. As much as I love friends and seeing people, sometimes I just want to be left alone. I wonder if that's unhealthy. Oh well.

Writing

I've been writing more lately. It's been wonderful for me. I think that is my passion - writing. I can't get enough. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I do know that I've finally found something outside of music that I love, that I'm semi-good at. We'll see where things go from here, my job is not very conducive for being able to write and get paid for it, but I can write casually in my down time, which is mostly what I do. I forgot that anyone who reads Stuff Christians Like and see my posts can read this blog, and immediately I thought about going back and deleting some things. But this is me, and I'm trying to be honest, so I decided against it. I'm going to just leave it, and let people assume what they may. If they even read it. Which I don't know that they do. But the possibility is there. I don't know, I'm rambling now. I've got an hour left of my workshift and then its bedtime. One more night of work, then its time to hang with the family and spend Christmas together. I'm very much looking forward to it. Working nights has sort of split my life in two - the nights that I work and the days that I don't. And I miss seeing my family as much as I did before. Which makes me worry about moving away. Maybe I can't do it. I don't know. But I had a message from Facebook, one of those, "Today Becky, we think God wants you to know" sort of deals, and it said that knowing the future would make life boring, and that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and that God hasn't forgotten about me or my life. Which was very reassuring to me, in a time of turmoil and fluidity in my life. That is all, g'night.