Life

My life is crazy. Tanya and Jon have moved into an apartment, and almost all of their stuff is out of my house. I made sure of that yesterday, when I had to help move their bed because of Tanya's back. Anyway I'm thrilled to have my house back, it feels good. Pete and I have not painted yet, but I don't think I'm going to Denver this week, so maybe we'll get started.

So, about Denver. I have a throbbing pounding migraine right now, I'm still coughing, and I don't want to go out of town to visit everyone when I'm sick. I have canceled my flight, so either I'm going to get my money back, if the people at the home office feel generous on Monday morning. Or, I'll have a credit of whatever the amount was at Southwest, which would be fine because I'm going to end up going to Denver at some point anyway.

I may move in with my sister-in-law when my brother leaves for school. I am not fond of this idea, however, she can't move in with me, the fence is too short for Koda - he'd jump it in a heartbeat. Her house is just further away, and as much as I love her dearly, I don't do well with roommates. I need my own space. Sadly, my mom is gung-ho about the idea too...I'm sure because she'll rent the house I'm in now out to someone for more money. They are cutting me a huge deal and I understand that, so maybe they'll sell it. I don't know. But I like my house. And once Pete and I paint, I'm going to like it so much more. And, if I move in with her, I have to get rid of my kitties. I'm not sure I can do that. I love my kitties. I don't know - maybe they'll figure something out and won't ask. My sis-in-law says there's no pressure, but I know that if me moving in with her is the best idea, my brother will be a persistent jerk about it until I say yes. I HATE being a pushover.

On a much happier, much more exciting note...I'm going to Gettysburg in March to meet all my PRS/AGH friends, meet the cast of Paranormal State, and do a little paranormal investigating. There are workshops and everything, and I'm meeting Jasmine at the airport and we're riding to Gettysburg from there together. I'm extremely excited about this, I can't put it into words. All of these people I talk to are so awesome and grounded and fun and they're all excited to see that I'm coming. I can't wait to meet them all and have a great weekend! It was just a spur of the moment decision I made, and I haven't had something to look forward to that I was this excited about in a very long time. My sister-in-law was so proud of me that I just made the decision to do something for myself, and did it, not caring what anyone thought about my choices. I'm 24, I'm an adult, I can make my own choices with my finances. So, I did.

I have a horrible migraine, and I'm still at work so I'm going to stop typing now.

Faith

Since this has nothing to do with the rest of this entry, I'll add it first, instead of as a p.s. I have been struggling with eating lately. Being sick has not helped, but my lack of appetite is alarming. I don't want to eat, its not that I'm not hungry, its just that I have no desire to eat. Sometimes I feel sick, and the thought of eating makes me physically ill. I don't know what that means, but let me continue. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been praying occasionally, usually for other people, but I pray for sleep sometimes too. I feel dizzy and light-headed, sometimes like I'm going to pass out. And I'm still coughing like crazy. Something is still wrong with me, very wrong, but my doctor just writes me off. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it all.

Ok, anyway so Pete tells me on Wednesday that he is tired and wanted to have an early night, so, I said I'd stay home and let him relax and go to bed early. Then I find out he's with his ex-girlfriend at her house. I was so angry I was shaking. And I don't deal with anger well. At all. I text him and asked if I could come pick up my DVD's, (in case he decided to blow me off for her again) and he said I could when he got home. On my way to his house, shaking and crying in anger, a thought occurred to me. I called my friend Bethany, and asked her to pray for me. My friend Jon told me to calm down and try to listen to him when I got there, so I knew that in my state there would be no listening. I asked Bethany to just pray for me to be calm. And you know what? Her praying and my praying helped. When I got to his house, I was just going to take my movies and leave. He was clever, and had one of them in the dvd player so that I couldn't do that. He asked me to go talk with him, and since my anger had subsided to a quivering, I agreed. After talking with him, realizing there was a mis-communication and whatever, that he wasn't going to blow me off and that I was important to him and that he was grateful for my friendship and on n on, my quivering turned to trembling, and I cried a little. I apologized for that, explaining that I just don't handle anger well. I wasn't allowed to be angry growing up, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. On top of all that, I rarely GET that angry! So, it was awkward, and made me feel very vulnerable. I was grateful that he took the time to talk to me, and explain and apologize. I said sorry too, for overreacting. Basically it was a good thing that I went over there.

The thing about that whole situation is I know it would've gone differently if God wasn't involved. If I hadn't asked Bethany to pray for me, and if I hadn't prayed myself, I would've probably yelled for my DVD and stormed out of the house. That's what I planned on doing. I was so sure he was going back to the way he used to be with his ex-girlfriend that it was going to take a mountain to stop me. God gave Pete a mountain, and that was my DVD playing when I got there. He took the time to talk with me and salvage our friendship, because I thought I was going to end it before it took off - self preservation you know. As much as God wants us to be in each other's lives, I want to protect myself too. God allowed me to be vulnerable in front of Pete, I think to show me that its ok to break down a little, and to show Pete that I care as much as I say I do.

Pete has decided to end things with Ashley for good (we'll see how long that lasts) and I know he is struggling with it. I have prayed for him to get some rest, and I am praying that his mind will quiet enough to actually sleep. He's like me - he thinks too much. He is inside his own head alone too often and it is dangerous to do that. So I'm trying to be there for him, but now my guard is WAY up. Like, steel plated guard. It is difficult with Pete, its difficult for me to be angry at him, and its difficult for me to say no to him. I just have to pray and have faith that what we have going on is in God's will, and try to do what God intends for me to do. And pray that the relationship between me and Pete grows in God's will too.

Christmas

I love this time of year. I can't wait for Christmas - spending time with the family, being happy when people enjoy the gifts I got them, etc. One of my favorite things in the world is spending time with my family, and I don't get to do it very often anymore. I'm so ready to be done with work for a while, however, i am 10 pages into a story, that will probably only be for myself, but has been fun to write all the same. The weather is supposed to get dicey here in the big O, but probably not until Wednesday night. I know I'll be crashing at the parent's house on Thursday, but I think I'll stay home on Wednesday. Actually I think that's when everyone is getting together to see Myra and Jason. As much as I love friends and seeing people, sometimes I just want to be left alone. I wonder if that's unhealthy. Oh well.

Writing

I've been writing more lately. It's been wonderful for me. I think that is my passion - writing. I can't get enough. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I do know that I've finally found something outside of music that I love, that I'm semi-good at. We'll see where things go from here, my job is not very conducive for being able to write and get paid for it, but I can write casually in my down time, which is mostly what I do. I forgot that anyone who reads Stuff Christians Like and see my posts can read this blog, and immediately I thought about going back and deleting some things. But this is me, and I'm trying to be honest, so I decided against it. I'm going to just leave it, and let people assume what they may. If they even read it. Which I don't know that they do. But the possibility is there. I don't know, I'm rambling now. I've got an hour left of my workshift and then its bedtime. One more night of work, then its time to hang with the family and spend Christmas together. I'm very much looking forward to it. Working nights has sort of split my life in two - the nights that I work and the days that I don't. And I miss seeing my family as much as I did before. Which makes me worry about moving away. Maybe I can't do it. I don't know. But I had a message from Facebook, one of those, "Today Becky, we think God wants you to know" sort of deals, and it said that knowing the future would make life boring, and that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and that God hasn't forgotten about me or my life. Which was very reassuring to me, in a time of turmoil and fluidity in my life. That is all, g'night.

Dreams

I live in a fantasy world. I get that. I don't want to face the sadness of my reality, so I live my life in my head pretending to be someone else, pretending I look differently than I do, pretending constantly. Every time I lay my head down to fall asleep, instead of praying, I dream of being someone else, somewhere else, enjoying life. Just now, at work, I had an image of me, sitting somewhere in Ireland, surrounded by green, writing about my experiences there. I want that to be real. I want it to be more than a dream. More than visiting there, I want to go there and stay there. But for now, small dreams. Starting with a visit is good. My heart is heavy, and I long for travel. I knew I enjoyed traveling, but I didn't realize how much I would long for it until I hadn't in a while. My last trip was May of '08. Its been a year and a half since I've left Bellevue, Nebraska and its way past due. Some people are telling me to travel somewhere closer. Go back to NYC, which I love. Go somewhere warm. Visit Florida. California. Arizona. I don't want to go to those places. Eventually, maybe. I've been to all of them except Arizona. I want Ireland. I'm not saying it is going to give me purpose, or help me find who I am, or be a magic answer to all of life's unanswered questions. What I do know, is that it will be one dream I have that can become a reality. And when you live your life pretending, dreaming, making any of them a reality is an incredible opportunity. This dream is in my power to make come true. I don't know why I'm writing this right now. I'm fading at work, and I hadn't written in a while. I'm craving change. And the longer I go without leaving, the worse it gets.

Changes

I have to work nights now. Choir is out of the picture. Having a normal life is also out of the picture. Seeing my family and friends on a regular basis is out of the picture. How am I going to diet and lose weight working nights? Yes, I understand, working OT and getting 12% is great, especially around the holidays, I understand the logic of everything. I understand I should be grateful I still have a job, and to some degree I am. On the flip side, if I got let go, I'd at least be able to collect unemployment while looking for something else. I would've had to move into an apartment, but still. At least I'd be able to live normally. Maybe I'm just tired and emotional because the man I thought I was 'seeing' was having a monogamous relationship with someone else and I was just someone on the side. That set me up to be a weepy mess tonight, which I understand. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else anyway, but to have him tell me ON FACEBOOK no less really messed with my head. Sometimes I hate my generation. How hard is it to call me? I am just angry, sad, confused, overwhelmed, and tired. I'm tired of my life. I need a break.

Born to travel

I've always known I've loved to travel. I hate flying, but I love going new places. Taking pictures, meeting new people, learning new things, visiting the world. Life is short, and we only live once, and I am going to Ireland next year. Me, myself and I are going to stay for about a week in Dublin with my money that I get back from taxes. I'm trying to embrace being single and love my life anyway, because who knows when my path is going to have me meet the man I'm supposed to marry? Only God does, and I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to go the first week in January, I just won't have the money by then. Part of me wonders if I should sell half my stuff, move into a small apartment and save money up to move to Denver. Most of me knows that going to Ireland instead of paying bills isn't exactly the most responsible thing to do. However, bills will always be there, and I will not always be single and free to do what I please. Embracing that means following my heart, and my heart is leading me to travel. I wish I had a lot of money that would let me travel all over for a year without working. But that's impractical. So, for a week at a time out of the year, I will live my life to the best of my ability, and take advantage of the travel opportunities that are presented to me. It'd be cheaper if I could stay with someone in Ireland, but I don't know anyone there except Dave, and that certainly wouldn't go over well. Besides, not knowing anyone is part of the excitement. The more I think about it the more excited I get, and anxious.

In a perfect world, I would quit this job, work somewhere that I enjoyed, maybe making less money but happier with my day to day life. Sell the house, live in an apartment, sell some of my things I don't use, and save money. Move somewhere. Find work. I just don't want to be here anymore. I love my family and my friends, and I'd miss them, but most people I talk to who are older say, when I look back at my life I regret the things I didn't do. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to experience my dreams, starting with Ireland 2010.