Writing

I've been writing more lately. It's been wonderful for me. I think that is my passion - writing. I can't get enough. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I do know that I've finally found something outside of music that I love, that I'm semi-good at. We'll see where things go from here, my job is not very conducive for being able to write and get paid for it, but I can write casually in my down time, which is mostly what I do. I forgot that anyone who reads Stuff Christians Like and see my posts can read this blog, and immediately I thought about going back and deleting some things. But this is me, and I'm trying to be honest, so I decided against it. I'm going to just leave it, and let people assume what they may. If they even read it. Which I don't know that they do. But the possibility is there. I don't know, I'm rambling now. I've got an hour left of my workshift and then its bedtime. One more night of work, then its time to hang with the family and spend Christmas together. I'm very much looking forward to it. Working nights has sort of split my life in two - the nights that I work and the days that I don't. And I miss seeing my family as much as I did before. Which makes me worry about moving away. Maybe I can't do it. I don't know. But I had a message from Facebook, one of those, "Today Becky, we think God wants you to know" sort of deals, and it said that knowing the future would make life boring, and that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and that God hasn't forgotten about me or my life. Which was very reassuring to me, in a time of turmoil and fluidity in my life. That is all, g'night.

Dreams

I live in a fantasy world. I get that. I don't want to face the sadness of my reality, so I live my life in my head pretending to be someone else, pretending I look differently than I do, pretending constantly. Every time I lay my head down to fall asleep, instead of praying, I dream of being someone else, somewhere else, enjoying life. Just now, at work, I had an image of me, sitting somewhere in Ireland, surrounded by green, writing about my experiences there. I want that to be real. I want it to be more than a dream. More than visiting there, I want to go there and stay there. But for now, small dreams. Starting with a visit is good. My heart is heavy, and I long for travel. I knew I enjoyed traveling, but I didn't realize how much I would long for it until I hadn't in a while. My last trip was May of '08. Its been a year and a half since I've left Bellevue, Nebraska and its way past due. Some people are telling me to travel somewhere closer. Go back to NYC, which I love. Go somewhere warm. Visit Florida. California. Arizona. I don't want to go to those places. Eventually, maybe. I've been to all of them except Arizona. I want Ireland. I'm not saying it is going to give me purpose, or help me find who I am, or be a magic answer to all of life's unanswered questions. What I do know, is that it will be one dream I have that can become a reality. And when you live your life pretending, dreaming, making any of them a reality is an incredible opportunity. This dream is in my power to make come true. I don't know why I'm writing this right now. I'm fading at work, and I hadn't written in a while. I'm craving change. And the longer I go without leaving, the worse it gets.

Changes

I have to work nights now. Choir is out of the picture. Having a normal life is also out of the picture. Seeing my family and friends on a regular basis is out of the picture. How am I going to diet and lose weight working nights? Yes, I understand, working OT and getting 12% is great, especially around the holidays, I understand the logic of everything. I understand I should be grateful I still have a job, and to some degree I am. On the flip side, if I got let go, I'd at least be able to collect unemployment while looking for something else. I would've had to move into an apartment, but still. At least I'd be able to live normally. Maybe I'm just tired and emotional because the man I thought I was 'seeing' was having a monogamous relationship with someone else and I was just someone on the side. That set me up to be a weepy mess tonight, which I understand. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else anyway, but to have him tell me ON FACEBOOK no less really messed with my head. Sometimes I hate my generation. How hard is it to call me? I am just angry, sad, confused, overwhelmed, and tired. I'm tired of my life. I need a break.

Born to travel

I've always known I've loved to travel. I hate flying, but I love going new places. Taking pictures, meeting new people, learning new things, visiting the world. Life is short, and we only live once, and I am going to Ireland next year. Me, myself and I are going to stay for about a week in Dublin with my money that I get back from taxes. I'm trying to embrace being single and love my life anyway, because who knows when my path is going to have me meet the man I'm supposed to marry? Only God does, and I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to go the first week in January, I just won't have the money by then. Part of me wonders if I should sell half my stuff, move into a small apartment and save money up to move to Denver. Most of me knows that going to Ireland instead of paying bills isn't exactly the most responsible thing to do. However, bills will always be there, and I will not always be single and free to do what I please. Embracing that means following my heart, and my heart is leading me to travel. I wish I had a lot of money that would let me travel all over for a year without working. But that's impractical. So, for a week at a time out of the year, I will live my life to the best of my ability, and take advantage of the travel opportunities that are presented to me. It'd be cheaper if I could stay with someone in Ireland, but I don't know anyone there except Dave, and that certainly wouldn't go over well. Besides, not knowing anyone is part of the excitement. The more I think about it the more excited I get, and anxious.

In a perfect world, I would quit this job, work somewhere that I enjoyed, maybe making less money but happier with my day to day life. Sell the house, live in an apartment, sell some of my things I don't use, and save money. Move somewhere. Find work. I just don't want to be here anymore. I love my family and my friends, and I'd miss them, but most people I talk to who are older say, when I look back at my life I regret the things I didn't do. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to experience my dreams, starting with Ireland 2010.

I just need a title

I read something on stuffchristianslike.net that hit home for me. Serious Wednesdays (of course) always get to me, and he said this:

"We love a comeback. There is something deep and true inside us that wakes up when we come into the presence of a person who is making a comeback. But something strange happens when we are the ones in need of the comeback. Something peculiar happens when we are the ones who have fallen and broken relationships and failed in our opportunities.

We start to believe that God does not love comebacks.

We start to believe that when He sees us wallowing in our mistakes, when He looks down at our sin and grossness and wretched failure, that He wants to turn His back. We start to believe that we’ve got to fix ourselves first. We’ve got to distance ourselves from Him so that we can get our lives in order before we get close to him again. We start to believe He is not rooting for our comeback.

I think that is wrong.

I think that is a lie.

I think God is an even bigger fan of comebacks than we are.

I think God loves the comeback."

To read the whole post click here

I cried!! Sitting at my desk at work, I felt relieved, and a little silly, because I should've known that. It is easy to forget, especially when you're surrounded by people and things that remind you of all the negative things in your life. I have an addictive personality. I know that I have the tendency to get addicted to anything. You name it, its possible. Cigarettes, drugs, attention, prescription pills, food, working out, anything. I tend to take everything and obsess on it. Including my failures. My faults. My sins. My flaws flash like neon signs, making everyone (or maybe just me) focus on all of those things. There are plenty. I have blatantly ignored God. I have known that at times He has spoken to me and I chose to ignore Him. I know I'm not the only one, but it makes me ashamed. And then that shame leads to guilt, and then fear, fear of being rejected if I do go back. But then, I read things in the Bible and things like Jon's blog, and am reminded of who God really is, and have hope. I am broken, and unhappy, and there are a lot of things in my life that need to change. My relationship with my God will be slow and steady, but I believe He is here for me. I believe He knew right when I would decide to come back. I got into a discussion about the existence of God, why I believe He existed, the way he has worked in my life, and made a couple people really consider what I was saying. I even admitted I hadn't been a practicing Christian for several years. That didn't mean I wasn't still a believer, and it didn't mean that God loved me any less. In that discussion I was not speaking. God was speaking through me. He used me as an instrument to speak to those people. The only reason I think that is because I didn't get defensive or angry like I usually do when people attack my belief in God. It was a calm, logical discussion. I just realized that just now, writing this. Maybe there is hope for me after all...

God wins

Ya know, I've strayed away from this for a few days and I think it gave me time to reorient myself. This is a great tool for me to be honest and get things out of my head but, it is also intended to fetter out what I'm trying to do with my life. Following God used to be incredibly easy for me, but as of late it has been harder to swallow my pride and admit that He has the best plan for me. Anyone who reads this and prays, if you could pray for me, that'd be greatly appreciated. Because I can't figure it out. I have strong feelings that I'm not supposed to be in this line of work anymore. the pain in my wrists and hands is immense, and my dislike for the job outweighs anything else. I don't believe that God wants us to struggle through life, settling for mediocrity because its what pays the bills. I believe that He wants us to flourish and blossom and grow into wonderful, vivid, awe-inspiring yet humble people who are using the best of their abilities to further Him and to enrich lives. I just don't know how to get there.

It is what it is

I don't even know what I want to write today. Work has been chaotic for the past 2 weeks - month end is always a nightmare but this is something else. I have corrective jaw surgery looming in my future, among other things, and every day my hands hurt more after work than the day before. Out of (H)ungry (A)ngry, (L)onely, (T)ired, I'm always at least 2 of those. Not a good average. Something HAS to change, and I'm the only one who can do it. It just seems so monumental that I don't know if it'll EVER happen. Fingers crossed. Maybe I should pray. Hmm.